The Musings of A Regenerate Heart

A Christian For The Legalizing Of Gay Marriage...Read On

2011-06-27T19:55:00.003-05:00

On July 24, 2011, the State of New York will begin recognizing gay marriage as a legal institution. Hooray for them. The rest of the states need to get on board.

This issue of gay marriage has Christians in an uproar, and quite frankly I think it's ridiculous--for the Christians to be in an uproar. I know many of my Christian family and friends will try to pull my Christian card on  this one, but thank GOD it's not theirs to pull. My goal here is not to offend but to simply inform. I have my reasons why I hold the view I hold. I'm not trying to convince you to change your mind on the issue, I'm just stating my defense of gay marriage as a Christian. 

Okay...here we go:

Marriage in the eyes of the State and marriage in the eyes of God are two totally different things. I repeat two totally different things. Marriage under the God of the Bible implies one man and one woman in Christ making a permanent, life-long covenant to one another in the presence of God and witnesses on God's terms and allows that man and woman full access to the physical and spiritual benefits that the institution of marriage has to offer. It does not require a marriage license, a preacher, a church, or the consent of anyone but the two making the covenant. Marriage under the State simply allows certain financial and civil benefits to a couple who has agreed to be together under their own terms. 

Notice this key difference of the two that will serve as the foundation of my argument: One is under God and on His terms. The other is under the State and on your own terms. 

Here's how this works:

Because I'm married to Jeff under the State law, he can have my social security, Medicare, and access to my retirement benefits should I pass away. Should he take ill, I can file for an FMLA leave on my job to go and be by his side. If he is incapacitated, I also have the legal right to make medical decisions on his behalf. He can share in my inheritance and we will both benefit from the various marital discounts given by many insurance companies. 

These are all rights that cannot be obtained by a couple unless they are recognized by the State as married. So can someone please tell me why a citizen of this country should be denied these civil rights just because they are attracted to the same sex? THESE ARE ISSUES OF EQUALITY IN CIVIL RIGHTS; NOT FAITH.

America is not a Christian country but a country founded on Christian principles (which are nothing more than good morals which every major religion teaches). One of America's founding purposes was for religious freedom of all. America is not a theocracy. It is a democracy with a separation of church and state in full effect; therefore, the State has no right to cosign the Christian belief that homosexuality is wrong (i.e. sin). 

With all of that said, I don't believe the State has the right to reject a same sex couple the benefits of a State recognized marriage. As citizens of this country, they should be given the same rights as any other citizen of this country regardless of sexual orientation. So, if the State wants to "protect" what they believe is the sanctity of marriage, it is left with one of the following choices: a.) relinquish the use of a license in order for couples receive the benefits of marriage and allow every couple those rights. b.) relinquish the practice of separation of Church and State, become a theocracy and adopt Christianity as the State religion, and ban homosexuality (i.e. make it illegal and enforce it). These are the only choices that the State would have in order to "define" and "protect" marriage.

Now, as a Christian, I don't understand how my fellow Christian can be against gay marriage, yet not fight against atheists, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, agnostics, and any other practicing religion's parishioner's right to be married under the State. If State marriage is sacred and under God then anyone who is not in Christ should not be allowed to file for a marriage license and get married. Do we simply give them a pass because they are one man and one woman?  Does the gender factor make the marriage more pleasing in God's eye sight? I stand on a firm ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!! 

So what constitutes a marriage to God? I know a heterosexual couple who has a State marriage license on file but are "legally separated" and living in two different homes. Are they still married under God? Is the marriage license the only thing that qualifies a couple married under God? I stand on a firm ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!

Sin is sin in God's eyes and we can't rate it based on what grosses us out more. So how can I be tolerant of one sinner's marriage and not the other's? Do you see the inconsistencies? Can you honestly reconcile those inconsistencies with any truth?

To be clear, I believe that God sets the standard for sin and according to His inspired Scriptures, homosexuality is sin...but so is recognizing any god other than the God of the Bible. So, if I am going to be against homosexual marriage then I have to be against ANY and EVERY non-Christian marriage. I understand that marriage under God has nothing to do with the State, and I don't believe that God honors State licenses just as he doesn't honor any marriage that is not in Christ. I believe that He honors the covenant between two people who have agreed to that covenant on His terms; therefore, He has something to hold us accountable to. If we are really truthful, I know a lot of people who identify themselves as Christians but are not married under His terms. They're married under their own terms and as soon as their spouse does something against the terms they've set, they're out of there. Forget forgiveness and grace...But that's another post for another day.

The bottom line is this: I fully support the separation of Church and State, and  I don't believe that anyone (or the State)  has the right to deny a citizen any civil rights based on their own faith. Marriage as it relates to the Christian is a spiritual institution by God and under God and does  not even apply to those who are not in Christ, whether they are same sex or not, so Christians why do you feel so threatened? The gospel is NOT a bully  and doesn't desire to control people with a bunch of silly laws neither  does it control the matters of the State. The gospel is a matter of faith governs the Kingdom of God, not the State or any other earthly law. I  cannot impose my faith on all Americans and say, "Your definition of  marriage must match mine or it cannot be recognized by the State," just like I can't force a non-Christian to behave like a Christian (go ahead and try it and see how far that gets you). That is unlawful and goes against the very freedom this country was founded upon.

 I feel blessed to be a part of a country where I am free and have a decent set of civil rights. Therefore, I support any American citizen who is fighting for equal civil rights.

Afterthought: It's funny how the Christians who are at the forefront of this issue are not fighting for divorce to be eradicated, even among their own kind... but again, that's another post for another day.

Feel free to engage in friendly, adult conversation with me about this topic. I will not be disrespected and I will not tolerate any comments that do not seek to inform or explain points of view in the owner's opinion. I am not interested in engaging if you don't have an open discussion frame of mind. If you don't want to post on the blog, feel free to email me at jamercadel@gmail.com or jamercadel@facebook.com.

A Burden of My Heart

2011-01-20T12:00:00.000-06:00

I need your help--your input, your prayers, your suggestions, and your ideas.

There is a great big burden on my heart for the homeless men and women, prostitutes, and drug addicts of Dallas, TX. I want so desperately to serve them in ways that will benefit them now and for eternity. I work in South Dallas, so I am constantly confronted with the horrid images of a once beautiful woman who has lost her beauty in the abuse-laden, drug inflicted, sexcapades of the hard knock life that has become hers. When I see her walking out of that raunchy, begrimed motel looking disheveled and ashamed, I wonder what drove her there in the first place. Was it the insatiable need for drugs? Was it her hungry children back at home? Was it the disdain and perceived worthlessness of the image that stares back at her in the mirror? I don't know. But I want to.

Sometimes I lock eyes with men who roam the streets with rags and bags filled with hopelessness, disenfranchisement, faithlessness, and destitution, knowing that it's all they own. How did they get to that point? Maybe life has dealt them a bad hand. Perhaps the choices they made in life led them down this path. It's possible that some mental disability left them with no other alternative. I don't know for sure. But I want to.

I roll past young brothers who are alienated from life and floating on a cloud higher than 9 induced by the crippling effects of black tar heroin, crack cocaine, handlebars, Ecstasy, "drank," and various liquors. Why did they choose this life instead of one of good citizenship and positive contributions to society. I don't really know the answer. But I really want to.

I think about these people often and fantasize about their lives, but I have yet to do anything on a consistent basis to help them. I have done a few outreaches that have lasted a day or two, but I want much more than that. I want to develop relationships with these men and women and help them to understand the glorious treasure that is Jesus Christ and the wonderful simplicity of a warm friendship. Many of these people have no contact with their family and don't have people who they can depend on. However, I often wonder if I can really help them. I wonder if they will receive what I want to offer. How can I go down there, offer this message of grace, love, and redemption to these people, and then go back home to my cozy, suburban-city home? How do I preach to them about the Jesus who has saved me and given me the life I have without stirring in them feelings that somehow suggest that Jesus loves me more because of my many earthly blessings? How can I come across as genuine help if I am not able to alleviate them of their earthly sorrows? I don't know...

And these wonderings arrest a my feet. Are these legitimate concerns? How do I move past them?

A New Church in Dallas????

2011-01-14T10:01:00.002-06:00

My good friend, Lionel Woods, posted this blog this morning. This is something that his family and my family are desperately wanting to pull together for the glory of God in Christ. Please respond on this blog or his with interest of coming alongside our two families to plant this type of church.

Anybody In Dallas Interested In Planting A Church Like This???

Jan 14

1. Rented Facility: Instead of owning a parcel of land, we rent a recreation center or do an annual sublease through a church that does own land. We could meet in this rented location for a year. Our small groups would meet in homes. We would equip them to make disciples in their own neighborhoods but we meet collectively every Sunday in a place where we could have a few talented musicians volunteer or receive voluntary donations for their work for the Lord. The renting would provide us some flexibility to move around different neighborhoods as we grow and the Lord directs our path.

2. Participatory Sermons: This wouldn’t have to happen every time as there are times and maybe even series that demand a monologue. However, most of the messages would be participatory. Where others can testify of God’s goodness, ask questions and even apply personal application as this is the purpose of teaching anyway. Not to just inform but mostly to transform. So messages where others are invited to share not only encourages the church it also allows other a voice when the church meets.

3. Collections As Needed: Here is what I am thinking here. We have people who join help commit to the overhead cost of renting the facility and then any other collections would be made on an as need basis. If people would like to do their regular giving at the church because they just can’t find one needy person, then we would have our tax exemption to provide others with that type of freedom.

4. Unpaid Leadership/Staff: Now this is the tough one, but one I think is important. I look at Paul’s words in Acts 20 to the elders before he is headed off and he informs them to work with their own hands and to be a blessing to others. This would mean those who are in leadership are balancing work, ministry and family just like every other Christian in the congregation and they can be Godly examples for God’s sheep.

If you are interested in a church like that, let me know. I know it can be done and I think such a church could spark a movement of more church plants similar to it. We are currently looking for a church home and would love one with such a model. I probably know someone else who would so there is at least two families interested.

Current State Of Mind

2011-01-06T09:35:00.003-06:00

Love
Wash over me
Pride
You must flee
Lord
Give me eyes to see
Jesus
You are my Great Relief
Holy Spirit
Rest, rule, and abide in me
Trust
My heart seems to elude thee
Hope
I'm calling to you, answer please
Faith
Usher in love
So it can wash over me

Reflections of Regenerate Mommy's Heart

2010-12-15T11:47:00.002-06:00

Surely you've noticed I've been gone, right? Well, for good reason...I HAD A BABY!!!! Most of you know about the difficult journey getting to this point (if not read all the posts tagged infertility here and on my other blog), and now my long awaited prayer is finally here!

Evan was born on October 29th at 6lbs 15oz. I remember the first time I ever laid eyes on him I fell instantly in love. He was perfect in every way. I was in awe that I was finally looking at him after carrying him for exactly 9 months (he was born on this due date!). All of the prayers, the tears, the struggles, and the emotions had been for that very moment. As I looked at my son, I thought about God. I thought about how incredibly gracious and loving He is to give me the desire of my heart. I thought about the fact that He has always known that moment would come, even when I didn't. I thought about how He answered my prayer on purpose and how this was not some chance happening of the universe or biology....

Here is this brand new baby, this person, that God has entrusted to me for a time to nurture, love, and shape his little heart and point it toward the Father Himself. He didn't give me this baby just for me; This baby belongs to Him, first and foremost. I have a responsibility, a duty even, to raise him with an awareness of God and impart to him the truth of the gospel as the saving grace of his life. This awareness and impartation doesn't happen by word alone. It happens by example, by living the implications of the gospel every single day of my life in front of this child. This raises the stakes of my integrity tremendously. My son will be watching my every move and listening to my every word. My life (along with my husband's) will be his guiding light. It will be his first introduction to what it truly means to be a Christian, and it will weigh heavily on his view of God and how he is to relate to Him.

These are no small marbles to play with. I pray daily for the grace and wisdom needed to guide such a precious life. It's scary knowing that I will not be perfect and I will mess up sometimes, but it how I handle the mess ups will have a far greater effect on my son than the mess ups themselves. I hope that my son will not look for perfection but will see a life poured out as an offering to God, committed to obedience and love. I want my son to have something that I did not have as a child: the right picture of grace and to view God as the loving father He is. This is the greatest challenge of my life, and I look forward to taking this journey along with my husband and watching its effects unfold in the life of my precious baby boy.

Is There A Such Thing As "General" Prophetic Encouragement

2010-10-19T10:05:00.003-05:00

Over the last 10-15 years or so, I have noticed that Christianity has seen a rise in inspiration and what I call "general prophetic encouragement." I coined this term to describe such phrases as "the whole body of Christ is getting ready to walk into a new season," "The Lord has promised [believers] that our best days and our blessed days are ahead of us," and "The body of Christ has been sowing (not just money) long enough, the Lord wants us to know that it is harvest time." I say that they are prophetic because people say it's a "word from the Lord" and it's supposed to come into fruition. From the music to the sermons, believers have invested heavily in this notion of general prosperity (not just health and wealth but mostly circumstances) for all believers.

Can we really do this? Can we prophetically claim circumstances to be true for all believers?

What if (as we can clearly see in some people's lives) this is a season of suffering, devastation, and loss AND they never come out of it? What if they are diagnosed with the terminal disease and never recover? What if they lose everything in this down economy and never regain what they lost? How does that affect the prophetic encouragement meant for all believers? Do these types of circumstances make the prophecy false?

We are all called to encourage one another, no doubt, but I think that we have to be really careful when say the Lord has given us something for "whole body of Christ." I even dare say we have to be careful with general prophetic encouragements that go out from the pulpits of our local church. If you are a part of a church where most of the people don't even know each other or particularly the person shelling out the prophecy does not have a personal relationship with the people he/she is prophetically encouraging, discern very carefully what they are saying.

I have seen this kind of encouragement ruin people's faith and lives because they believed something that was never meant to be true for them. I have seen people involved with this type of church ministry for years and they are STILL waiting for their new season or their breakthrough to come, and it just breaks my heart because they really trusted that the person's words and have somehow tethered it to their own faith, believing that if they stop waiting for this season/breakthrough it means they don't trust God.

There may be times in your walk and in your relationship with others that words of prophetic encouragement will come and speak directly to your situation and provide you with peace and comfort. I strongly believe that the Holy Spirit inside of you will bear witness to those things and they WILL come into fruition. However, we should all feel free to encourage EVERY believer to remain steadfast in the faith and never waiver. We should encourage EVERY believer to keep Christ first and keep the gospel at the center of their being. And lastly, we should encourage EVERY believer to love as Christ has called us to love, promote unity amongst ourselves, and continue to mature and strive for perfection in Christ.

Be encouraged!

Learning How To Preach?

2010-09-23T13:41:00.004-05:00

I walked into someone's office the other day and noticed a book on their desk entitled, The Elements of Preaching. I went to Amazon to get a synopsis of the book and it read, In a practical, no-nonsense approach, this book spells out the basic preaching principles as well as the prohibitions that will help sharpen and focus the skills of every pastor and pulpit speaker.
What could that mean? What are the basic preaching principles? What are they basing these principles on (last time I checked Scripture doesn't teach any principles of preaching)? Is not preaching the proclaiming of the gospel of Jesus Christ? Why would someone need to be taught "prohibitions and that will sharpen and focus their skills" to proclaim that Jesus is Lord?

Anyone who's ever shopped Amazon knows that when you look up one product they recommend similar products, and there was a WHOLE GAMBIT of books recommended on "how to preach." This deeply disturbed me as it is a tell-tale sign that we as Western Christians have gotten so far removed from the simplicity of the gospel that we can no longer rely on the Holy Spirit to empower us to proclaim Christ. We must rely on nifty tips of eloquent speech and tricks of sermon organization and voice modulation to aid in our proclamation. In fact, we have become married to the idea that the only person who can "preach" is a clergyman/clergywoman, forgetting that we are ALL called to preach Christ crucified!

This is a sad reality in churches across the globe. I leave you with Paul's words from 1Corinthians 2:1-5:

When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.

Why For One And Not The Other, Lord?

2010-09-10T13:05:00.004-05:00

For the past 10 months, I have been following the diagnosis and journey of a popular The Village Church's pastor, Matt Chandler (google him for background knowledge). He was diagnosed with a rare and often fatal cancerous brain tumor that could have claimed his life without him having one sign or symptom. No headaches. No sickness. Nothing. God's grace allowed him to experience a random seizure last year on Thanksgiving, which led to the discovery and diagnosis of the tumor. He has gone through surgery, several rounds of chemotherapy, and radiation to cure this disease, and again by God's grace, this week his wife announced that the Lord has chosen to heal Matt.

Yesterday, popular gospel artist, Marvin Sapp, lost his wife to recurring colon cancer. There aren't a lot of details released about this tragedy, but from what I have pieced together from different reports, she previously had colon cancer but went into remission....only to have it resurface very recently, ultimately taking her life.

There are some blaring similarities in both cases. Matt Chandler and MaLinda Sapp are Christians. They are loving spouses. They are parents of young children. They labored intently for the gospel. They were carried by the prayers of MANY saints. They aimed to live well despite the grim prognoses, and BOTH believed God for a complete healing. However, one was healed and the other was not.

One cannot begin to understand the mind of God or His sovereignty. It is totally futile to even try, but it doesn't stop me from wondering sometimes, Why for one and not the other, Lord? I know that God doesn't love one person more than another, and there is certainly no merit in our level or quantity of works that would make Him choose one over the other. The only thing we can attribute His decision to IS his sovereignty.

Undoubtedly, Matt's healing has and will continue to strengthen the faith of many, and surely his family and fellow saints are rejoicing in answered prayer. There is a reason God chose to heal Matt, and the world may never know. But one thing we DO KNOW is that God IS good and DOES good. Many people would like to think that good is relative to our understanding of what WE perceive as good, but it's not. God is good and His sovereignty ALWAYS acts in the interest of good.

As much as we desire God to choose life for us and our loved ones, the fact of the matter is that earthly life may not always be in God's good will, as in the case of our sister, MaLinda Sapp. There is a reason God did not choose to heal MaLinda, and the world may never know. But we can rest assured IN CHRIST and in our limited understanding that her death was a part of God's good work. Even in the face of death, there is triumph for the Christian because eternity with Jesus is right on the other side of life. To be sure, loved ones will grieve and miss the dearly departed but those who are in Christ are also rejoicing in the fact that faith will become a reality for their beloved. Blessed be the good and perfect will of God.

Be encouraged ;)

Accountability in the Body of Christ

2010-09-01T15:08:00.002-05:00

Accountability is not a hot topic in the Body of Christ. One major reason for that, in my opinion, is because it rarely exists. We have become so private in our own personal space and have erected barriers to keep people from getting in, from knowing the "real" us. At best, our spouses or significant others are the only ones who know the "real" us because we know that there's not much we can hide from those who know us most intimately. At worst, we gloss over our own sin and comfort ourselves with the all too familiar, "Nobody's perfect. We all struggle with something, and I'll just pray about it in my personal prayer time," or "I don't want anybody in my business. I'm a private person," when in reality, as Christians, we don't really get that option.

The New Testament is littered with "accountability" talk. We are constantly admonished to pray for one another, encourage one another, and bear with one another. This language is not compatible with a group of people who choose to live unto themselves in their own bubbles. In fact, it won't support such a choice. This language is only compatible with a people living in community, under the ordinance of God, under the New Covenant.

Simply put, accountability keeps us from living in sin. Confessing our sins one to another is a sure-fire way to live in the freedom and truth as provided by the gospel so that we can experience uninterrupted, guiltless fellowship with our Saviour King, Jesus Christ. If we were honest with ourselves, sin grows and breeds exponentially when we are left to the accountability of our own selves and is THE number cause of separation of fellowship with Christ. Sin requires that we remain private and put on airs of a thriving spiritual life while it keeps us bound.

So with that said, living privately is not an option for a true believer. We must be willing to share our burdens with other believers so that we can receive the help we need to be free from sin's grasp. I leave with this from the book of Hebrews:

See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness.

Be encouraged :)

A Gospel-Centered Marriage, Part II: How We Made It

2010-08-27T17:35:00.004-05:00

In my last post, I told you what a non gospel-centered marriage looks like via my own personal experiences. When it all boils down to it, it looks like selfishness and unbelief in the power of the gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ. Although Jeff and I had grown up "in the church" all our lives, we never connected the gospel to our everyday lives (i.e. lived it out). We were taught the gospel as a means of salvation but not that it is a life-changing, mind altering truth that causes a reformation in the whole person. We had spent all of our born again lives trying to manage our moral behavior, which did nothing more than cause a cycle of failure and led to more frustration than we could handle.

Four years ago, after being separated for 6 months, God graciously brought us back together and began the long process of healing our marriage. The next two years of initial restoration were fragile and shaky and in God's perfect plan, he allowed us to understand the implications of the gospel for the first time in our lives. Layer by layer, He stripped us of the religious pretension of behavior management and taught us the truth about His grace and what a gospel-centered life is like, therefore thrusting us into a gospel-centered marriage.

Marriage is the only relationship that bears the image of Christ and His Church. When I look at the marriage of Christ and His Church, the first thing I notice is sacrifice and humility. Jesus GAVE HIMSELF UP FOR HIS CHURCH. He sacrificed everything--including His life--and constantly served His Spouse to the glory of God. The second thing I see is steadfastness/permanence. There is nothing Christ's Spouse can do to be separated from Him. He gave His life for Her so that she could be hid in Him for all eternity. The third thing I notice is His patience with His Spouse. No matter how many times She messes up, He bears with her FORGIVES her, and offers unending GRACE and LOVE to cover her multitude of sins. The culmination of all of these things equals love. True love. God-glorifying love.

And this is precisely what our marriages should look like.

God didn't leave us to ourselves to produce this kind of life on our own. When Christ ascended, He sent a Helper, who would reside in each saint and EMPOWER them to live this kind of life. That same Helper EMPOWERS us in our marriages so that we can adequately be image bearers of Christ and the Church as we are instructed to do.

I hope this post serves as encouragement to the saints of God as we carry on until Christ's return. I love you all.

***I've never written about the details of our separation, but we have shared the story extensively with others as a testament to God's grace in our lives. If you are struggling in your marriage and would like to know more about how we overcame our problems, please feel free to email me, and Jeff and I would be more than happy to share our story with you and walk with you to the path of redemption and restoration.

A Non Gospel-Centered Marriage, Part I: How We Almost Failed

2010-08-23T12:41:00.006-05:00

This year my husband and celebrated 6 years of marriage. Many predicted that we would not last this long, and I have to say the odds were kind of against us...

We both come from broken homes of either failed marriages or no marriage at all.
We were very young when we made the decision to spend the rest of our lives with each other (decided at 18, engaged at 19, married at 20)
We had no idea what to expect and both agreed to just "learn on the job"
We had virtually no financial resources. I was a sophomore in college, working part-time retail; he was just starting his career as a barber.

And as if we didn't have all of that to contend with, just a year into our marriage our lives were turned upside down by the devastation of Hurricane Katrina. Needless to say, our marriage did not have a great trajectory. By all accounts we were doomed to fail.

Low and behold, Failure came knocking on our door in 2006 when I declared, two days after our 2nd anniversary, that I wanted a divorce. I'd decided that the odds had won, and I was ready to rid myself of the strain of a broken marriage. We separated. I moved out of our apartment and in with my sister.***

The things I am about share with you in the next two posts are things that I have learned over the past four years about the REAL reason my marriage almost failed and how our changed perspective has set us on a trajectory of "till death do us part." Yesterday's post dealt with the gospel-centered life in general, but I want to focus on a non gospel-centered marriage vs. a gospel-centered marriage specifically. To be sure, one cannot have a gospel-centered marriage without living a gospel-centered life, but the reason I make a distinction is because in our culture we have been wired to compartmentalize EVERYTHING in our lives. We have been taught to have different segments of our lives that make up the whole instead of just simply having a whole life (by the way...the gospel does support such compartmentalization because by it's very nature it is unifying and held together by love...but more on that later). So I write this in hopes of reaching those who may not know or realize the effects of this compartmentalization. And with that, part 1 will deal with what almost broke the back of my marriage...

My perspective. One of my earliest mistakes was giving our marriage license more credit than it deserved. As a legal document, I believed that it was the final authority on our marriage. Somehow in my finite mind I had converted it into a contract. I comprised this mental list of things that I would and would not put up with in the marriage and as long as he stayed on the "would put up with" side of the list, we would remain married. The minute he put too many strikes on the "would not put up with list," I would exchange my marriage license for a "Dissolution of Marriage" certificate. Simple as that.

His unwillingness to listen and be taught. I love the old Dr. Phil adage that says, "You have to teach people how to treat you." This is so true...especially in a marriage! I would try to teach my husband how I wanted to be treated and for whatever reason, he just wouldn't listen. He would either ignore me all together or tell me he understood and that things would change, only for them to stay the same. When I would try to tell him things about himself, he would get highly offended and shut me down or call out my faults instead of focusing on his own. To him, his way was always right, he refused to learn a new way of dealing with things.

The secrecy. No one knew anything about our marriage. My husband believed that we shouldn't "air our dirty laundry," nor did he trust anyone else's judgement/advice . So whatever we faced, we had to do it alone. We saved face by presenting ourselves decent in public, but behind closed doors we were frustrated, scared, and ignorant as to how to handle most of our problems.

My hardened heart. I had always prided myself on being the type of person who only gave limited chances. The amount of chances I gave depended on the person and the situation, but once I decided I was done with you that was it forever. So when I threw the gauntlet for divorce and my husband, in brokenness, asked to work it out by any means necessary (even if it meant seeking outside help), I said NO. He had run out of chances, and I was done forever. I hardened my heart toward him because I played God and decided that he could not change. As far as I was concerned, the marriage was irretrievably broken.

As I'm sure you can tell, all of these things are the result of a non gospel-centered marriage. We lived for ourselves and forced our selfish ways on each other, and you can see where it got us. By the grace of God, we experienced a shift in thinking and began to apply the gospel to our marriage. Tune in to the next post to see how restoration and redemption was achieved...

***I've never written about the details of our separation, but we have shared the story extensively with others as a testament to God's grace in our lives. If you are struggling in your marriage and would like to know more about how we overcame our problems, please feel free to email me, and J and I would be more than happy to share our story with you and walk with you to the path of redemption and restoration.

A Gospel Centered Life

2010-08-22T17:28:00.003-05:00

One of the biggest mistakes Christians tend to make is only recognizing the value of the gospel in terms of our salvation. We think the gospel is only good for saving; then we table it and honor it once a year at the annual Easter service, moving on to the deeper, more practical things of our faith. This creates an atmosphere in which we then begin to live according to our own power, controlling ourselves by the rules and regulations as set forth by our denominational traditions.

This, my friends, is the reason so many of us live defeated lives and the joy seems to be sucked right out of us. It is hard, frustrating, and impossible to keep up with the demands of these rules, yet we figure this is our lot in life as Christians and we must persevere (read here "suffer" because that's how you really feel) until the end. I believe this way of life is erroneous and does not line up with the gospel-centered life that flows freely from Christ's love, grace, and mercy.

The gospel is not simply the story of the life, death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Uh-uh. It's more than that. The gospel is the IMPLICATIONS of the life, death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ and what it means in the life of those who believe in Him. There is an obedience that comes from that faith that "governs" us and ushers us into the freedom of grace and love. We are no longer subject to rules and regulations and the traditions of the ones who came before us. The gospel becomes the center of our being...It becomes the hingepin of our lives...It becomes the wellspring of our heart...It becomes..well, you get the picture!

Once we understand that the gospel is our core, we begin to govern ourselves accordingly. Everything we say and do must measure up to its standard (not our own, not another person's). We also begin to understand the weight of the obligation we have to those who are also in Christ. That is, the obligation to LOVE, FORGIVE, EXTEND GRACE, HAVE MERCY, BE PATIENT WITH, HONOR, RESPECT, and HUMBLE OURSELVES. In our dealings with one other, we keep the gospel at the forefront and we let Christ's love loose in our lives and the lives of others.

Another thing the gospel centered life produces is love and patience and goodness for those who ARE NOT in Christ. Whoa. What? Yep. The gospel causes us to treat unbelievers with a level of respect and love that is completely foreign to them and leaves them with a picture of the love of Christ that undeniably reveals His character to them.

Yea buddy. This is the kind of life that I think Paul and the other apostles risked their lives to share. They taught this thing purely, believed it wholeheartedly, and by the Spirit of God, lived it daily. This is the kind of life that should be ours in Christ if we believe. This is the only kind of life that testifies to the gospel of Christ.

Exploring The Idea of Moving For Christian Community From My Own Perspective

2010-07-28T11:04:00.004-05:00

Lately, I've been toying with the idea of moving. For most of you who really know me, this would be an extreme shock because I have maintained that I WAS NOT EVER moving (short of a disaster, job relocation, extreme unforeseen circumstance) since I signed my name on the dotted line of home ownership two years ago. Moving is a hassle...and besides...I like my little 1960s ranch style home. It's tucked away into a nice city-suburb. The location is perfect (I am within 3-5 minutes of every major interstate in DFW) and has all the things my husband and looked for in a home. We have put countless hours, dollars, blood, sweat, and tears into fixing up our home. We are still a work in progress; however, progress is being made!

With all that said, you may be wondering, "So why even contemplate the move?" Well, I'm glad you asked. That frees me up to give you the answer...

My husband and I have been struggling to find what we believe to be true Christian community for a couple of years now. We have left the popular, Western evangelical way of "doing church" in search for a more authentic, organic community lifestyle of "being the church" as revealed in the Scriptures.

Disclaimer: We do not judge anyone else's choices for how they choose to worship/serve/express God corporately, nor do we advocate one "right way" to do so.

Our primary goal is to find a group of believers with whom we can truly express Christ and BE His body without any of the trappings of tradition, misread authority, or unbiblically based leadership. We have tried a few things that have turned out to be very unsuccessful, and now we are at a crossroads, hence the contemplation of moving.

Now, in light of the fact that the gospel can fit anywhere, in any culture, I STRONGLY believe that one's culture and personal experiences dictate how the gospel looks when expressed in Christian community (Please do not read here that I only believe in homogeneous groups of gathering believers. I think cultural diversity enriches the gathering and lives of believers!). Despite all of the great things about our house and our quiet little city-suburban neighborhood, there are some serious flaws that hinder my need for community here. There is a huge gap between my neighbor's and my cultural/personal experiences. Check out these neighborhood facts:

1. We live in a neighborhood where we are the ONLY black family within 1500 houses. Yep, you read right. We're the only ones. We have never experienced any unfavorable treatment from our neighbors and they have been good to us.

2. We are the ONLY young couple in this neighborhood. We are in our mid 20s, and we are surrounded by elderly neighbors (60s-80s) with a few middle-agers (late 30s-50s) sprinkled throughout. many of them have either lived in these houses since they were built or grew up in these houses and bought them from their parents to raise their own families in. Needless to point out, our life stage is totally different from theirs. We are JUST starting our family whereas many of my neighbors are grandparents of teenagers! A few of the middle-agers have upper elementary/middle/high schoolers, but they'll be married with children by the time my son starts kindergarten LOL!

3. I am not really sure if any of them are Christians (I know a few of them go to church on Sunday mornings but overall I'm unsure). This would really put a damper on creating Christian community if there aren't any other Christians. I am not in a place where I can start this thing from scratch right now without it being at the expense of my family.

J and I joke all the time about the fact that we didn't research any of this stuff before we bought the place. We just concentrated on what we wanted in an actual dwelling...not a community (Side note: I implore anyone to look at these factors before purchasing a home). Another reason I have considered moving is because most of our friends, who would be ideal to live out this kind of community with, live about 30 minutes away from us (not including my sister and baby niece who lives 40-45 minutes away). Through trial and error, I have learned that proximity is KEY in community. One cannot have the kind of community I am looking for with that kind of distance between them. Otherwise, we go back to the "see ya once a week" model that I am trying to desperately to escape. It is very hard to participate in the daily/bi-daily lives of people who live that far away.

So one day I thought..."What if we moved closer to our friends? Maybe we could have this community thing going in no time!" But then rational reality kicked in and I realized I had some concerns with this idea.

1. This would be a huge financial strain on my family. With the economy being what it is, it is not that easy to just pick up and move. We have only been in our house two years and with property values dropping like flies, we may not even be able to break even on the sale. We are also pretty close to the top of our budget as we are trying to become debt-free in the next 5 years. We have very limited funds to toy with, and with a new baby on the way things are getting even tighter.

2. Moving closer to most of our friends would push us further away from our jobs. This in and of itself would be another financial strain as we would have to spend a considerable amount of money on gas. It would also mean taking time away from family time as we would spend a great deal of time traveling each day. My husband and I don't have the luxury of "the weekend" together because he works the weekend. We only get Sunday.

3. Moving would push us farther away from our family. Remember the sister and baby niece who live 40-45 minutes away from my current home? Well she would be about 60-90 minutes away from my new home should we move closer to our friends. my husband also has an aunt, uncle, and cousin who lives about 20 minutes from us now. That would push them 40-50 minutes from us if we moved. I'm not too keen on that.

4. I don't trust other people's level of commitment. This is perhaps the biggest one of all for me. We could agree all day long with others that we want this type of community. However, I can't be totally sure that my friends would have the same level of commitment to this as me. What if we move all the way over there and they decide they want to do something different? What if we start off strong then eventually fade off for reasons that others deem more important than our close knit community? These things would really tick me off to say the least.

I know I have the freedom within the gospel to decide whether or not I want to move or try to find/create some connections around me. However, it's a long term decision that we face with MUCH prayer and contemplation. And honestly at this point, short of a miraculous move of God, I am not leaning toward moving. Many people will offer me a "girl just pray about it and God will lead you in the right direction," but I don't think this is a matter of simply praying for direction so much as it is a matter of how to focus my prayer. If I want to move, my prayer would focused on asking God to make a way. If I don't want to move, my prayer shifts to asking God to help me find what I'm looking for right here in my own part of town. I'm not 100% sure about which way to pray yet, so until then we'll be getting with another couple who lives a few minutes away from us to express Christ as best we can with what we got.

Peace.

Christian Imposters???

2010-06-15T08:00:00.000-05:00

So, to continue yesterday's post I begin by saying I'm a little bit bothered by the fact that according to many reports there are 2 billion Christians in the world, and I have yet to see the impact of this truth when I look at the world around me. When I look at the bible's version of Christianity and the Christianity of the western world (which is where majority of the 2 billion live, work, and play) I see a HUGE discrepancy.

Let me say this: I am in NO WAY trying to judge anyone nor the intents of anyone's heart. I'm simply speaking on the actions that I see and the things I've experienced and deem questionable.

The first problem I encounter (which may be the hingepin of all the others) is the lack of love and community amongst those who claim to be Christians. Again, I'm not saying that it doesn't exist; I'm simply noting that it should be MUCH more noticeable with 2 billion of us on the planet. I've been a part of various groups, denominations, and church situations and have discovered one thing: Many Christians don't truly (<-----operative word) love everyone...they only truly love those who are most like them or ones who they are certain they can morph into being like them. I've experienced this first hand as many of my views about Christianity have changed over the past two years, and I have lost many "meaningful" relationships with other Christians because I didn't agree with them on one or more issues. I've been called everything from a heretic to just plain old weird. Why couldn't they have loved me enough to continue our relationship despite our differences? Why did they constantly try to change me and make me believe the way they did? Why couldn't they allow me to wrestle with the text and fervently pray for my clarity all the while continuing to love and serve one another in the most perfect way? Well, I don't know.

Another problem I see is a huge focus on things that are more important than the gospel. This one is a big problem for me. I see more focus on theological standpoints, money/donations/building funds (prosperity gospel), faith (word of faith ministries), service, and moral correction of behavior than I do the gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ which is supreme to EVERYTHING ELSE (Check out the book of Hebrews and the gospel of John). In fact, if the gospel were preached in purity and were the only focus in each gathering, there would be greater clarity of what and how we as Christians should live our lives as "pilgrims passing through this barren land." We wouldn't need anybody to stand up week after week to tell us how to behave--teach the unadulterated gospel and the Holy Spirit will be sure to do His job and "teach [us] all things and bring to remembrance what [Christ] has already said" (John 14:26).

One last major problem I have is that many professing Christians don't read their bibles and therefore don't live out its commands/instructions. This causes a great deal of confusion to me as I try to develop relationships among the saints. It's hard for me to live out the implications of the gospel with so many Christians out there who aren't governing themselves by the gospel (which raises another question...if one doesn't govern himself by the gospel can he really be considered a Christian?). They are not kind to their neighbors, they are not willing to serve, they don't clothe themselves in humility, they don't take correction/rebuke, they don't forgive one another as Christ forgave them, they are not willing to be taught, they don't encourage, and they live individual lives with no regard for the people around them (even their own church members!) This is particularly hard for me or anyone who doesn't have the traditional view of church. Once people find out how you feel, they either try to change you and back away from you if you don't acquiesce or they just back away from you period. But remember...both parties involved are supposed to be Christians who love one another and are not unified on secondary issues (which seems to be the leading cause of division in the Church) but unified IN THE LORD JESUS CHRIST!

With all of this said, of the many professing Christians.....could there be any impostors???

2 Billion Christians???

2010-06-14T11:31:00.003-05:00

According to some reports, there are approximately 2 billion Christians in the world. This number is pretty mind boggling as that would constitute 1/3 of the Earth's population. Now, I'm no fool, there's no way to really take an exact census of the Christian population, but assuming that these numbers came from polls I would expect it to be a ballpark figure. This amazes me because it means that I should evidences of biblical Christianity around me more often than I do--but I don't.

A simple, brief reading of the New Testament scriptures will tell you that Christianity was not a "popular" religion. It wasn't something people walked around proclaiming if they didn't really mean it because their lives were on the line with each proclamation. The NT scriptures also do a pretty good job of teaching us the implications of the gospel as well as our responsibility to it once we have come to its truth. One of the most blatant implications is that the road is narrow and only a few will enter. Now, I'm in no way trying to pinpoint a number that represents what "a few" is. Only God can do that. What I am simply wondering is this: How did this narrow way become so broad? By many accounts, Christianity is the most popular "religion" in the world with Islam coming in at a close second, yet we don't see the impact that 2 billion Christians would have on the world if that number was remotely correct. This bothers me because it interferes with my next thought...I'll post about it tomorrow.

Drive Time Reflections On Grace Through A Song

2010-05-10T08:36:00.004-05:00

The Morning Drive...It's so unpredictable.

Sometimes, I have some of my best talks with God during that time. Other times, it can be one of the most hectic parts of my day because my mind is racing with thoughts of everything that needs to be done and perhaps what I've already forgotten to do. But today was one of those days of quiet contemplation on a gift of God that gets talked about a lot but rarely reflected on: grace.

The quiet contemplation was unassuming because I was singing along to a CD track, but deep in my mind with private thoughts buried in my heart, I was reflecting on God's grace. As I sang, the simplicity of the song spoke volumes to my somewhat broken spirit (Have you ever gotten in a rut where there's one thing in your life that's not going your way and it tends to overshadow all the good? For me, that equals a somewhat broken spirit). As I sang each word, pride gave way to humility and Jesus was all that mattered. My song and thoughts went something like this:

Where would I be/If not for your grace/Carrying me/In every season
Even in the times when it seemed like You had forgotten about me, You were there. In the times when I had disregarded YOU and and refused to obey, Your grace kept me. Where would I be if not for your grace? There's only one answer: Eternally dead.

You came to my rescue/And I want to thank You/For Your grace/Grace like a river
Yes, Lord! Your grace came to my rescue when I couldn't see my way through, when I didn't know how I would make it the next day, when the thoughts of defeat and condemnation and guilt tried to overtake me--Your grace is like a river that rushed into the innermost parts of my dry soul and awakened new life and new love into me. Thank You.

Grace that restores
Your grace restored me from my darkest sins, Your grace restored me when I wanted to throw in the towel. Your grace restored me when I wanted to give up on You.

Grace that redeems
Your grace has redeemed me from an eternity separated from You...

Grace that releases me to worship
Your grace releases me from my own self-made bondage into the freedom You've given me. Because of Your grace, I can worship You purely throughout my whole life instead of trying to "compartmentalize" it. That's freedom!

Grace that repairs visions and dreams
Your grace has repaired the dreams that I had given up a long time ago...

Grace that releases miracles
I just touched my belly and smiled. The Lord is knitting together a miracle in my womb right now. When MANY said it was impossible, God's grace showed us that there is NOTHING too hard for the Lord!

God is gracious. His love endures forever.

Happy Monday Everyone :)
(P.S. The song is by Israel Houghton from the Deeper Level CD Track 12)

Answered Prayer: A Gift from God

2010-04-20T11:19:00.009-05:00

I know that all children are gifts from God and that without Him none of us would exist, but most children are born to their parents without God's special help. However, there are some children who are conceived with special help from God and are specific answers to specific prayers.

That, my friends, is the story I hope to tell the child I'm carrying right now. Yes, I am pregnant. Five long hard years after the desire was placed in my heart, God has granted me his special favor and answered a long standing prayer request.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for FOUR years, and it's almost like a part of my life had been put on hold during that time. 1461 days of waiting and wondering if God was going to come through for me. And he did in the most perfect way.

I've always prided myself on my self-sufficiency and being able to make things happen for me. I've accomplished a lot of things, thinking they were in my own power, only to find out that nothing is in my own power alone but my power is powered by God's grace. When I tried to conceive and couldn't "make it happen" I was devastated and became very insecure about myself as woman and my ability to do anything. My world was turned upside down and I was confronted with the option to surrender or continue drowning in my own pride. I had always claimed to trust God but really only trusted Him with the things I knew I could "make happen." Infertility made me see that God is God and everything that is is because the works of His mighty hand. I couldn't see it then, but it is crystal clear to me now.

I used to think that infertility was some kind of cosmic punishment for something I'd done in my past. But I have now come to know that it was the exact opposite. It was a gift. It was an answer to prayer. When I asked God to know Him more, He chose our fellowship to grow through personal suffering. I became more steadfast in my faith, my prayers became more meaningful, and another facet of God's character (compassion) was revealed to me in a way I had never known. After I had gotten the answer to my original prayer (the most important prayer), God graciously chose to answer my other prayer. In many ways I feel like my baby is a reward for my obedience, and it strengthens me to remain steadfast because God is so faithful.

So I had two prayers, and I got two answers. Both were gifts from God :)

The Church Is In Desperate Need Of...

2010-03-24T14:33:00.005-05:00

Jeff and I are going through the book of Colossians and we are currently in chapter one. As I noticed Paul's opening words to the Church, I could not help but feel slighted--jealous even--that I have YET to experience this kind of love, unity, and Godwardness in my fellowship with God's people. Paul begins by thanking God for them and their faithfulness to the gospel. And I couldn't help but wonder Where is that faithfulness today? (Not saying that it doesn't exist but you will be hard pressed to find this kind of faithfulness among a large group of gathering Christians.) Then Paul reveals how he prays for them 1.) That God fills them with knowledge through spiritual wisdom and understanding 2.) That they may live lives worthy of the Lord and bear fruit in every good work 3.) That they be strengthened with ALL power according to HIS glorious might that endurance and patience may be theirs. Whoa, Paul! You have some audacious prayers...much, much different than the prayers I pray in my own life and the ones I've heard in churches across America.

As chapter one moves along, Paul then begins to AFFIRM the gospel that Epaphras proclaimed when He planted the Church. There were no different variations, no different doctrinal viewpoints--just pure, unadulterated GOSPEL. Paul closes chapter one explaining to the Church how He is there for them and has given HIS LIFE to serve them in any way and how he will do so until he dies. Ok, Paul...REALLY???...This is awesome!

So what do I think the Church is in desperate need of????

Apostles

Yep, I said it. We are in DESPERATE NEED of apostles. Now, to be sure, there are some people out there who refer to themselves as apostles but it usually denotes a hierarchy in status (like higher than the Bishop or something like that). That is not biblical apostleship by any stretch of the imagination! Then, there are others who believe that the only apostles that can be called such were Jesus' remaining disciples and Paul. They also believe that the Church was born in the apostolic age and since that age is over, so has the office of apostle ceased to exist. I know for sure John MacArthur and people who follow him believe this school of thought, but I beg to ask: 1.) Who has the authority to cancel the apostolic office? Can you prove it through Scripture? 2.) What do we do with Ephesians 4:7-13, particularly verse 11?

I personally don't think Scriptures teach these two interpretations of apostleship. I think that apostles were meant to exist until Jesus returns as a pivotal part of the Church and "to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ" (Ephesians 4:12-13). When I look in the Scriptures, I see apostles as:

Selfless, humble individuals who gave their lives to foster the well being of the Church.
"Gatekeepers" of the gospel who made sure the Church was not infiltrated with a false gospel.
Authority figures who were respected by the Church and helped her work out the problems that arose.
Extreme encouragers who seek to teach and build up the saints in the faith.

I think if we as the "global" Church would submit ourselves to such godly authority, we would not have the division that we have today. We would be truly unified in Christ and satisfied with each other. There would be no church competition and far fewer amounts of people would slip through the cracks as "halfway" Christians.

Apostles are a gift of God and empowered by the Holy Spirit to function in that gift as a safeguard to the Church until Jesus returns. How did we let them slip through our fingers?

Realization

2010-03-22T09:47:00.002-05:00

As I lay in bed sick most of last week, my heart strings were pulled in an area I had never given much thought to before. I was very weak and mostly bed or couch bound with my condition and could barely do necessary things like take a shower, go to the bathroom, and eat without causing some great amount of discomfort. Since I had a hard enough time doing the necessary, the leisure was unthinkable!

I knew that my circumstance was only temporary and that I would be fine in the near future. But I could not help but think about those whose life is defined by a chronic illness that will not allow them to see the outside world ever again...or those who are in constant pain and discomfort who do not get to enjoy even the slightest quality of life that most of us enjoy on a daily basis.

As I lay in bed, I was reminded that my hope is in Christ. No matter how uncomfortable or disgruntled I was in my state, I was compelled to think about the greatness of God and the smallness of me. I prayed for those people. And kept thinking of them. And in moment of realization wondered, "If I knew that this sickness would not lift, would my hope still be in Him, in the One who the fullness of God is pleased to dwell (Colossians 2:9)?" I laid there and proclaimed that the answer is yes, knowing that the strength it takes to lie in that type of weakness ONLY comes from God. I thank God that he chose me and

I love how Colossians 2:13-15 says it like this (all emphasis mine):

And YOU, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross. He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame, by triumphing over them in him.

Amen.

Don't Look To Me...Look To Christ

2010-02-17T12:07:00.003-06:00

The best compliment that I have ever received is, "I really look up to you." Most of the time it comes from one of my students. But every now and again I get this from another woman. It is flattering to say the least, but it is a danger zone for my heart. It causes me to think much more of myself than I ought (Romans 12:3) and deflects glory from the only One we should be thinking of highly.

When people look at me and admire who I am, what I've accomplished, my marriage, or any other aspect of my life, I want them to look PAST me to see a glorious Savior whose love for me made me His own and infiltrated my heart so much so that what they see is my life conforming to Him. Often times, people zone in on what they can see and set out for the "secret formula" that will cause their life to look like the one they desire. I can tell you now this will only lead to discontentment and emptiness.

If you are a Christian, it is okay to admire other Christians. Even Paul says it's okay to imitate other Christians (1 Thessalonians 1:6)--as long as the ones you are imitating are imitators of the Lord as revealed in Scripture. It is very important that we do not get hung up on the person but rather Christ in the person. Setting your sights on people will always lead to you being let down. Christ is the perfect measure that we are to pattern ourselves after, and it is imperative that we differentiate Christ from the Christian.

So in short, the only way I will accept the compliment of you looking up to me is if you tell me that it's Christ you see and desire to pattern yourself after. Then, we can both give glory to God :)

Glorious Devastation

2010-02-09T14:08:00.005-06:00

Jeff and I were at a bible study class last night, and we were talking to another couple about how devastating it is to realize that you have been a part of something that you thought was biblical Christianity only to discover that it was not. It's almost like your world comes crashing down.........but then there is this relief because deep down inside you knew that you were failing at being a "Christian." You weren't keeping up with all the rules and felt like you were not making any progress toward holiness because of the recurring sin. Now that you've been taught the gospel of truth, you breathe a sigh of relief and see Christ in His rightful place as the atonement for all your sin and you're free to concentrate on loving Him because you no longer have to concentrate on following all those rules.

It's devastating alright. But we call that a glorious devastation.

I think about how Jeff and I were there just over a year ago and how much we have grown in our understanding of Christ and our justification. We now know that there is NOTHING we can do to earn the love of God. He freely offers it to all and those who believe on Christ have access to His "great love" (as Paul calls it in Ephesians 1).

At one time my life was controlled by rules, "Don't do this. Don't do that. Stick with this list of behaviors and you'll know you're a Christian." That wore me out, and I consistently FELL SHORT....not to mention that some of the things on the "list" weren't even biblically binding (such as "don't drink"). I looked at Christ as some celestial tyrant who was waiting to punish me when I violated one of His rules. Once I understood who Christ is (the way the bible presents Him), I saw the antithesis of the celestial tyrant. I saw a loving Redeemer, who had given Himself for my sins and wanted nothing more than for me to enjoy the freedom of being bound up in Him!

The reason I share this partial testimony is because I want you to know the glorious freedom that is in Christ too. If you are stuck in a church that teaches more morals than they do Christ, run as fast as you can. If you are a part of a church that concentrates on managing your "bad" behavior instead of preaching the glorious implications of Christ's gospel, run as fast as you can. If you are not sure about any of the stuff I have talked about in this post or if you do understand what I'm talking about and you want to be gloriously devastated, feel free to email me at jamercadel@gmail.com or comment on this post and we can discuss it.

I love you, and I want to see Christ glorified through each and every one of you.

Thoughts On Prayer

2010-02-05T13:19:00.004-06:00

I am guest blogger over at Step Thru the Scriptures and in this post I talked about the power of prayer drawing on Moses' example in Exodus 32. In this case, Moses interceded for the people and begged God not to destroy them in spite of their sin. This particular post was so on time for me because I had been struggling with my prayer life for a while.

Coming out of the bondage of the "prosperity gospel" and into the knowledge of the gospel of truth, I often times found myself refusing to make petitions to God. I wanted to move as far away from anything that even remotely looked like I was asking (or demanding as they often do in the prosperity camp) God for something and trying to back it up with some misguided, misinterpreted biblical promises. I had developed a very gross view of God's sovereignty in light of prayer, thinking that if He already knows what's going to happen and if He is ultimately in control of it all, what sense does it make to pray and ask Him to change any of it?

For the last couple of weeks, God has been giving me the grace to rid myself of such ridiculousness and to really understand the purpose and the power of prayer. Through the encouragement of a good, godly friend, a book by John Piper (When I Don't Desire God: How to Fight For Joy), and the prayers of my husband, I began to see prayer and God in truth. Part of the reason why I wasn't seeing Him clearly was because I wasn't humbly seeking Him through the Scriptures. The other part was that I had never really been taught the truth about prayer.

I was always taught that prayer is a time where you thank God for all His many blessings and then ask for some more. Clearly, that's wrong and has caused a lot of disbelief, strain, and angst in my walk. Here is what I have discovered that prayer is:

A way for me to express my love for and gratitude toward the only true God.
A war time walkie-talkie. When I am struggling in every way imaginable or suffering terribly, I can ask God for the strength to help me get through.
A means of experiencing His glory.
The means by which I come to get strength to persevere in the faith when I feel like I'm depleted.
An avenue for me to confess my sin and be restored.
An opportunity to lift others up and intercede on their behalf.
The means by which I am able to understand His Word.
The means by which I receive the power to do the things He has willed for me to do concerning His Kingdom

This is not an exhaustive list. It's just a list of the things I could think of immediately. I now love prayer and cannot wait to meet with God during my prayer times. I do have specific times of day that are undivided and devoted to prayer (early mornings, evenings), but most of my praying is sprinkled throughout the day as needed. I would like to close with a little something from John Piper that awakened me:

The main way that God deepens, strengthens and awakens confidence in prayer is
not through answered prayer. It's by the word of the living God! When God says,
"I hear you," we should believe him.

26 For His 26th On The 3rd

2010-02-03T07:37:00.001-06:00

Today is my husband's 26th birthday! Check out my 26 for his 26th on the 3rd

I love you babe!!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

So How Is Scripture Memory Going?

2010-02-02T09:28:00.004-06:00

...Well I'm glad you asked!

I have been really pleased with my results for the first week. I have a confession to make: even though I was embarking on this, I did not think I would be able to do it. My brain is so foggy (ginkgo anyone?) and I have been having a lot of trouble with my short term memory lately. However, I refused to let that keep me from trying. The Lord knows my heart, and He knows I want nothing more than to be disciplined in the things concerning Him. I was so pleased when he gave me grace to memorize not one...not two..but EIGHT verses! Glory to God!

Now, if you see me on the street and ask me to recite, I will stumble (because my brain is foggy remember?) but nevertheless, it's getting better!!

I am excited about this for many reasons, but in particular, my meditation on God has been much more focused and fulfilling. I have been reciting my scriptures in my head often, especially in times of intense attack from the enemy, and it has increased my faith so much. I no longer have to cower from the thoughts. I face them head on and fight with the sword (Ephesians 6:17)...and I've been winning!!! My focus has been sharper, and I have been able to really think on the words of the scripture and bury it's truths in my heart. Memorizing scripture has also kept my mind from being idol and has caused me to be more content with Christ.

I will stick with my current passage for this week to make sure that I am not memorizing for memorization's sake but that the words will be embedded and put into practice. I am not in a rush nor do I have a certain amount that I am trying to complete in a certain time frame. I have the rest of my life to work on it :)

So, for now...all is well, and I pray that it gets better.

Embarking On Scripture Memorization

2010-01-26T12:51:00.004-06:00

If there is one good thing I can say about Sunday school and all the Christmas/Easter plays that I was forced to participate in, it did wonders for helping me "hide the word in my heart." We were constantly remembering scriptures and made to recite them on demand. I hated it then and swore that when I became an adult I would not do this nor would I make my children do it.

Sadly, I kept true to that promise. In my adult life, I have not purposely done any scripture memorization consistently or effectively. Sure, I've memorized the verses that I heard often in church but that was the extent of that. What purpose did I have to remember scripture? I have a bible in my purse, one in almost every room at the house, and there's always www.biblegateway.com (*grin*). If I need access to the word at any given moment, I've got it, right? Not so much.

Lately, I've discovered that my propensity for emotional upheaval, moodiness, confusion, rebellion, spiritual "emptiness," and sin, in general, can be attributed to a lack of meditation on scriptures, which comes from a lack of memorizing scripture. It's not enough to just simply read and study the scriptures; they must be hidden in my heart. I'm realizing that it is no longer okay to just have the scriptures printed in my on demand bible because when a sinister thought creeps into my brain I need the Word to combat it immediately--not when I'm able to stop doing what I'm doing to look it up.

I am in a fight every second of every moment of my life against the things of this world that want to steal my affections away from Jesus, and in this fight I need ammunition. The Word of God is the "sword of the Spirit" (Ephesians 6:17), and it is fully expected for us to use it as such.

So, today begins my first day of intentional scripture memorization as an adult. I intend to flood my mind with the voice of God rather than my own (or somebody elses). I once heard someone say that it is easier and more meaningful to memorize passages of scriptures rather than a verse here or a verse there. You lessen the probability of using the Word out of context and you're bound to get a deeper understanding of the meaning. It is also better to memorize scriptures specific to your current circumstances (i.e. If you're having trouble holding fast to the idea of God's goodness, you should memorize scriptures that speak of His goodness and/or character). I think that person is right, and I have chosen to start with Lamentations 3:19-26.

(P.S. Lord, I am really going to need your help with this one. I have a hard time staying focused and disciplined. My mind tends to wander and nothing seems to stick. However, I am bound and determined to make this a part of my everyday life and I know you'll help.)

What Happens When You Turn Off The TV Part 2

2010-01-20T10:21:00.000-06:00

Jeff and I have completed a week of cutting back on television by about 90%. We've decided that mindless channel surfing robs us from some good quality time with other and with our Lord. We will only watch programs that we intend to watch for a purpose. For instance, Jazzy (that's Jeff) likes Grey's Anatomy and House. He will continue to watch those shows because he likes them. I like Dateline and special documentaries, and I will continue to watch those shows because I like them.

Since we've not been watching television, we have been talking to each other a lot more, and I am finding that the more I talk to him, the more I want to talk to him. Contrary to popular belief, I am a very reserved person. I don't like to talk about myself or my feelings a lot, and I'm sure it has something to do with my natural born cynicism and lack of trusting people with my personal information (What if they misunderstand me? What if they misinterpret my feelings? If I tell someone my inner thoughts they won't belong to only me anymore...).

As it relates to Jazzy, I don't want to be isolated from him. I want him to know everything about me, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to initiate sharing. There have been VERY few times when I have initiated conversation about me or my feelings, so I started telling him to ask me how I was feeling so that I could share. This was very important for me dealing with the whole infertility issue.

Well, I went out on a limb this week. I just started blurting things out. As we talked, I talked about my feelings and myself and found that it opened a door for us. I didn't feel strange about it nor did I regret it. I feel free to talk to him about anything from PMS to infertility to intimacy [do not just read sex here. Intimacy is MUCH, MUCH more] and know that he tries his best to understand me...but even if he doesn't, he just listens, and sometimes that's really all I need.

So, the moral of the story is: I learned something about myself and my husband....when we turned the TV off.

What Happens When You Turn The TV Off...

2010-01-13T08:48:00.004-06:00

Television has a way of stealing my affections for Christ. I don't really watch a lot of television on a regular basis, but when I do watch it, it is always in excess. I find myself sitting in front of the television channel surfing and watching countless shows that add absolutely no value to my existence. Yes, some shows are informative and I certainly like to tune in to those, but MOST of them are not. Over the last couple of weeks I decided that I would cut TV by 90%. No more aimless watching. No more TV companion as I am doing other things around the house. I decided to resort to silence to give me more time to meditate on God. Turns out my husband also felt like TV was stealing his affections for Christ, so yesterday we did not turn on a single television in the whole house.

Things were going well at first. We snuggled up on the sofa with our blankets because we both had to do our reading for the day (we are currently reading the Genesis saga and I must say it is better than any show on television HANDS DOWN!). But when our reading time was over, it seems as if we had sniffed some sleepy dust because we were dozing off! Normally, we are not sleepy around that time because we are occupied with the television. It was way too early to go to sleep, so we got up to fix something to drink. Then, I crocheted for a while as he checked his messages. We went into our room with intentions of working on our puzzle, but when we got back there neither of us wanted to exert the brain power for it (it's a 1000 pieces and very complicated). So, we decided to snuggle in the bed and talk.

This was the first time in a very long time that we had engaged in a conversation where our attentions were undivided. We talked, laughed, and connected for HOURS. Just the two of us. Some stuff was really important and serious in nature like theology...some stuff was just the silly nothingness that couples share between each other.

I am very grateful for our time together and being with my husband, sharing that special quality time, certainly stirred my affections for Christ.

I've Been Robbed!

2010-01-12T12:09:00.004-06:00

"Several years ago I started...asking what stirs my affections for Christ?...I also wrestled with and paid attention to what robbed me of affection for Christ. What, when I was doing it or spending time around it, created in me an unhealthy love for this world? The first list was a strange one because the majority of things that robbed me of zeal for Christ and His mission were morally neutral things."

The above statement was taken from a blog that Matt Chandler wrote about a year and a half ago (You can read the post in its entirety here). As I read those words I began to think about how I have a seriously unhealthy love for the things of this world, and most of it is pretty morally neutral. I love to sleep, watch television, Facebook, go shopping (not necessarily for clothes because I rarely do that; it's the random trips to Target that get me), hang out with friends, eat, relax on the couch, read/write blogs, crochet, scrapbook, do other kinds of crafts, and the list could go on.

Nothing is wrong with any of those things at face value. However, too much of all of those things at any given time or varying degrees of participation in any of these things have been detrimental to my spiritual health. What's tricky is the fact that these are not things that you can say, "Hey that's bad, so I shouldn't do that." I think we rob ourselves of deeper affection for Christ when we are heavily involved in things that are seemingly harmless.

Chandler goes on to say that we should make two lists: What stirs my affections for Christ? and What steals my affections for Christ? When you write your list, be careful to avoid comparing yourself to someone else because we all have a different tolerance level. Someone may be able to handle watching x amount of hours of television whereas x could be a danger zone for you personally. Also, I've found that this method has been highly effective in eradicating legalism. Legalism forces us to unjustly judge our brother/sister and force our convictions on them, which causes them to be obedient to us and not the Holy Spirit.

I made my lists about a year ago, and when I review my progress about my obedience to it, I see that I have not been doing very well. I also notice that there are some things that need to be added to both lists. I will be revising today, and I thank God for putting this on my heart this morning. Peace.

Currently Wrestling With Prayer

2010-01-05T13:38:00.003-06:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking about prayer the last few weeks. I must confess that my prayer life had become a tad bit dry after the news. Not that my views of God have changed because I still think He is just as beautiful and glorious and just and merciful as He has always been. However, I've been thwarted in my prayer life because of lack of answers--not "yes" answers, but answers period.

I've been asking myself:

If God is sovereign and moves in His sovereignty as He pleases, why should I pray that things change?
Should I stop asking God to change certain situations in my life and start praying for His grace to accept whatever comes my way?
Should I stop asking God for anything, period?
What is the proper way to understand the scriptures that say (paraphrase), "Ask what you will, in Jesus' name, and it shall be given unto you?" Am I to take them literally? If so, why am I not seeing the results? Do I not have enough faith?

I have not found any answers to any of my questions. But I found this passage of scripture, and I'm not quite sure where it fits in my thought process...I'm not sure, but I think a lack of answers to these questions is preventing me from understanding the precious truth in this parable.

Luke 18:1-8 is about a widow who keeps approaching a particular judge, who had no fear of God and no care for people, with a plea for justice. The judge kept saying no for a little while, but then he decided to grant her mercy because she kept bothering him with the plea. Then, Jesus says, "Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?" What am I supposed to do with that?!?! It's right because it comes from the mouth of Jesus but why am I not seeing that? Is my affliction jading my view of the scriptures? Am I missing something?

I don't really know what to do. I tried to stop praying but that drove me back to prayer. I tried to ignore it but it stares me in the face everyday. I know that I should persevere, but I don't know how. What should I be doing while I'm persevering?

I don't know...but in the mean time I'll be praying as best I know how about the situation for some kind of breakthrough.

A Quick Overview of the Reason Galatians Was Written and What Paul Was Trying To Communicate

2009-12-16T08:00:00.001-06:00

I am reading through the book of Galatians as I tread through The Untold Story of the New Testament Church, and I have never been so enthralled about this book as long as I have been a Christian. Perhaps I never really read it from the right perspective and having the narrative assistance of Untold Story helps me see the intent of Galatians more clearly.

Simply put, Paul wrote the letter to the churches of the Galatian region to correct the false teachings of the Judaizers. The Judaizers were an extremist group of Pharisees who believed that in order for one to be saved, one must accept the gospel of Jesus Christ AND still obey the Law (the Talmud) and the Law of Moses. When they heard about the freedom of the gospel that Paul was teaching, they set out to the Galatian reigon to reverse Paul's gospel and yoke the believers there with the bondage of the Law (the people of the Galatian region were especially vulnerable to this because they were Gentiles who had little to no knowledge of the God of Israel, and they figured that these esteemed teachers of the Jewish tradition would know what was right better than they would). They also tried to demolish Paul's credibility as an apostle by saying he was not accepted by the Twelve and that he was disrespectful to Peter, the "head" apostle (talking about the issue mentioned in Galatians 2:11-13).

Paul became outraged at this false teaching and set out to correct it by writing a letter to the believers in that region. The believers were confused because they wanted to believe Paul, but a shadow of doubt had been cast over Paul's teaching of the gospel. Therefore, they sent Paul and Barnabas to the Jerusalem church where the Twelve were to ask them if what the Judaizers taught was true. Peter called a council meeting with the elders of the Jerusalem church, and they decided that Paul was right about the free gospel and the only things the new believers should abstain from are eating blood, food that had been sacrificed to idols, meat from animals that had been strangled, and sexual immorality. The elders of the Jerusalem church sent Paul and Barnabas back (with a letter that can be found in Acts 15:23-29) along with Silas and Barsabbas to prove authenticity.

In the letter Paul explains to the believers that:

a.) There is NO OTHER GOSPEL than the one he and Barnabas preached as it came directly from Christ, and anyone who taught a different gospel was accursed (Galatians 1:1-10)

b.) He was called by God (not appointed by man as the Judaizers taught) as an apostle and he only began to preach after YEARS of training and learning in the faith by a unique experience with Jesus Christ as well as the other apostles (Galatians 1:11-2:10)

c.) He didn't disrespect Peter; he simply rebuked him for his sin (Galatians 2:11-14)

d.) We are not justified by our works or good deeds but rather by faith alone through grace (Galatians 2:15-3:5)

e.) The gospel was announced to Abraham early by God. Abraham's faith was credited unto him as righteousness, not his offspring. The promised seed is Jesus Christ who can only be accessed by faith through God's grace. (Galatians 3:6-9)

f.) Those who rely on the law for justification are under a curse. Christ became the curse so that we would be able to enjoy freedom from the law. The purpose of the law is to make us aware of our sin (Galatians 3:10-14)

g.) The Law does not void the promise. It was added because of transgressions and served as our guardian until the Promise (which can only be activated by the faith of those who believe). (Galatians 3:15-24)

h.) Now that faith has come, we no longer need the law as guardian, the Lord Jesus Christ is our guardian. (Galatians 3:25-26)

i.) There are no distinctions in Christ--not male/female, Greek/Jew, slave/free, etc--WE ARE ALL ONE IN CHRIST and heirs according to the promise with full rights because of our adoption. (Galatians 3:27-4:7)

k.) If you live by the Spirit, you will not gratify the desires of the flesh (Galatians 5)

If you've never read Galatians in its context, I hope this quick and concise overview will help you to see it more clearly. For a more exhaustive overview of Galatians and a complete contextual set up of all of Paul's letters and Acts, I urge you to purchase The Untold Story of the New Testament Church. You WILL NOT be disappointed.

Who's My Pastor?

2009-12-09T13:40:00.000-06:00

The role of the modern day pastor is a stretch of exegetical imagination. The word only appears one time in the bible--Ephesians 4:11--and even that depends on translation and is listed among the other gifts that Christ gave to the Body for the edification, sanctification, and growthification (sorry, I got carried away with the ___ifications) of us all. Many of us have never even considered the biblical implications of "The Pastor," thinking that Paul, Timothy, John, Titus, Peter, and other early church leaders were the predecessor to what we now know as the pastor. Let's be clear about a few things:

The word "pastor" means shepherd. It speaks of one who tends to the real needs of people (spiritual and physical) and one who associates with (befriends) others (all definitions taken from Strong's Concordance).

Pastoring is a gift that is on the same level with all the other gifts. It is not superior to any of the other gifts given by our Lord. You will find absolutely NO biblical support of that.

None of the first church planters/leaders EVER referred to themselves as pastor, nor do we see any of the early church planters/leaders functioning a role that symbolizes the modern day pastor.

Pastoring is synonymous with serving in a real sense--actually doing things to help other people and seeking out more Christians to develop relationships with and meet their needs if possible.
Pastoring is not a one-sided gift...it's a mutually edifying gift. You, too, have the right to rebuke, teach, exhort, correct, and train him/her.

Many of you reading this post go to a traditional style church that meets in church building, has a senior pastor/elder staff, a choir, multiple services etc. and you've never really given any thought to the context of which someone with pastoral gift should function. If I asked you right now, "Who's your pastor?" I have no doubt that you would fire off with your senior pastor's name in two seconds flat. However, that may be an inaccurate statement. Given the definitions stated above for the term pastor, for many (most of you) of you, Senior Pastor So-and So does not apply.

Some of you have never even met the senior pastor of your church, so how can he be fulfilling the part of his role that requires him to develop relationships with the flock (and surely you are a part of the flock, right?)? Some of you have met your pastor, but you don't have a REAL relationship with him--I'm talking about hanging out with he and his family on a regular basis at non-church functions. Yet and still, some of you do have a relationship with your pastor and can honestly say he's your friend, and that's a good thing.

So, the question begs an answer...who is your pastor (by the biblical definition)? For some of you it's probably your small group leader. For others it's a close friend or family member, perhaps even a spouse. And still, others may not even have one!

I may step on a few toes when I say this, but I must: Just because a man (or woman) says they were "called by God" to be a pastor of a church does not mean they have the gift of pastoring. Just because a man/woman graduates from seminary with a theology degree doesn't qualify them as a pastor. There...I've said it. Now you say it.... =)

My aim for writing this post is to really get you to understand the biblical definition and function of the pastoring gift. I'm sure I'll get some hate mail on this (you can email me at jamercadel@gmail.com), but I have not said anything that our bible does not teach. I have not bad-mouthed anyone, nor have I been rude in my approach. I just want my other brothers and sisters in the faith to be clear on this issue.

Many of you reading this post know that I do not go to a traditional church with a building, I am a part of a more organic/simple expression of Christ (email me if you're not sure what I'm talking about). I am not bashing TC or advocating for one expression of Christ over the other. I am simply asking you to reconsider the status quo for the truth of the matter.

It Is The Power Of God Unto Salvation...

2009-12-04T13:38:00.005-06:00

I just have one request: Please resist the urge to trivialize the gospel!

I was strolling through blog world today and came across MANY blogs that have trivialized the gospel and, in my opinion, robbed it of it's power. There's nothing ore insulting to Christ's work on the Cross than to present it to people as if it was some kind of happy-go-lucky, jubilee, hand-clapping, good time.

To present the gospel in a way that makes it appear as though Christ was galavanting down Galilee passing out tracts while eating grapes and apples robs Him of the glorious mission that He was sent here to accomplish.

It's important to remember that the main reason why Christ was crucified was because it pleased the Father. God wanted to bring His people back into fellowship with Him and this was the only way it could be done. As a result of the Son wanting to please the Father, we get to enjoy the benefits of salvation--mainly speaking, to join Him in pleasing the Father by laying our lives down to serve others as He had done.

That's all. I'm off my soapbox for the day :)

Go And Make Disciples

2009-12-01T11:27:00.004-06:00

"Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age."
---Matthew 28:19-20

I had an interesting conversation about "going" with some sisters in the faith last night. We are desperately seeking the Lord on how to this looks in the 21st century. I mean, let's face it, we live in a very different culture than the first Church. There are A LOT of different cultural dynamics that we have to deal with that would be considered extremely foreign to them (and not all of our cultural norms are bad). For example, our culture is very regimented and runs on the clock. Our work schedules are on 8, 10, or 12 hour (sometimes more) shifts, at least 5 days a week; we have families that we must tend to (especially those with children); and we have other responsibilities to fulfill (paying household bills, weekly grocery trips, walking pets, etc.)That leaves very little time for "going" the way Paul, Peter, Timothy, John, Titus, Barnabas, Priscilla, Aquilla, etc. etc. etc. did.

So the question was asked, "What does "going" look like in our day to day lives, in the 21st century?" There are certainly some individuals/families who have dedicated their lives to "going" in that way and felt the Lord clearly call them to those areas (see Dave Black. His story is a glorious one). There are thousands of missionaries all over the globe who have been "going" for a very long time, and I deeply respect and admire them tremendously.....

But what about those of us who don't feel called to go in that way? What about those of us who want to make an impact right here at home? I have to admit that I sometimes feel guilty about not "going" like the missionaries "go" because many Christians that I deeply respect tend to put an emphasis on that kind of "going." However, after talking to my girls last night, I realized that making disciples is impossible outside of relationship!

By that I mean this: Disciples of Christ are born by the Spirit and cultivated through relationships with other disciples. My job is to serve and love others AND THROUGH THAT LOVE hope/pray that God will move by His Spirit on their hearts. If He does, I am obligated to patiently walk with this person and help them to grow in the faith, pointing them to JESUS the entire time. This can only happen if you are in relationship with them.

Discipleship doesn't happen in a vacuum; It's not one part in the "New Members' Class" series nor is it a scheduled mentoring meeting (although that could certainly be a part of discipleship it's not the sum total). Discipleship is intentionally living out the faith with others in ordinary life, and it is mutually edifying. It is manifested over a game night, a meal, a trip to the grocery store, dropping by to say "hi," etc. etc. It is fellowship at its finest and ALWAYS rooted in love. It is non-threatening, non-hierarchical, and selfless at its core.

So again, while I have MUCH respect and DEEP admiration for our foreign missionaries and support them as much as I can, I am called to make disciples of ALL nations; America, too, is a nation, and she needs some foot soldiers, too. America needs people to "go" to her and share the love of Christ, teach her to obey His commandments, and baptize her despite a church building being on every corner. America needs someone to love her enough to stay and bear with her, live patiently with her, and point her to Christ.

America needs me.
Texas needs me.
Dallas needs me.
Farmers Branch needs me.
My zip code needs me.
My street neighbors need me.
My next door neighbor needs me.

And I have made up my mind that I will "go."

Love Gifts For The Ethiopian Church

2009-11-03T10:31:00.003-06:00

Dave Black is a missionary to the brothers and sisters in the Ethiopian Church! He and his wife BeckyLynn are continuing the work that BeckyLynn's parents began over 50 years ago. They are not a part of any organization or special interest group. They just go because Jesus has called them to go. Both of them work to support their service to the Ethiopian church and DO NOT recieve any salary or stipends as they understand that their reward is in heaven.

Please consider supporting the Blacks in their effort to share Jesus Christ with Ethiopian people and as they further cultivate the current church. If you are unable to give any money, your prayers are CERTAINLY appreciated!

Be sure to check out http://www.daveblackonline.com/ to learn more about what God is doing in Ethiopia and how you can help.

The following is a memo I received when Dave Black came to our church to share with us:

Make checks payable to Becky Black.
For tax-deductible gifts ($500 minimum), make checks payable to Bethel Hill Baptist Church.

All gifts go 100% to the Lord's church in Ethiopia.
*No money is deducted for the personal ministry expenses of Dave and BeckyLynn Black (airfare, passports, food, and lodging, etc).
*No money is deducted for administrative costs (printing, gas, phone, etc).
*No money is deducted to pay a salary to Dave and BeckyLynn.
*All money goes 100% to the local churches in Ethiopia.

Current Needs: Bibles, Clinic storage building, Clinic Well, Clinic Vehicle

Galatians 6:7-10: "God is not mocked. What a man sows, he reaps." Let's not get tired of helping others! As we get opportunities, let's do good for others, especially fellow Christians. And in time, we will reap as we have sown.

Contact: http://www.daveblackonline.com/
Dave and BeckyLynn Black
2691 White House Rd.Nelson, VA 24580
(434) 374-0492
dblack@sebts.edu

Understanding The Implications of Luke 9:18-26

2009-10-30T13:18:00.008-05:00

The last few weeks have been tumultuous, stressful, uncomfortable, unbearable, and terrible to say the least. I stepped out on what I knew to be right according to the gospel and it backfired on me big time. I have not been this angry and stressed out in over a year. I thought I had some pretty significant spiritual growth in this area over the past year, but apparently I had not grown as much as I thought I had.

I was at my wits end with being godly because it just caused me to be taken advantage of more and more, so I deliberately chose disobedience. Obedience just didn't feel good to my flesh. When I was provoked, I unleashed my flesh, gave way to anger, and raged war. I refused to read the Scriptures because I knew the Holy Spirit would convict me of sin. I refused to focus on Christ and parked my attention on the sin that so easily ensnared me.

My husband tried his best to counsel me and calm the fiery wrath with a cool tongue. He would quote the Scripture and lovingly point me in the right direction, but I fought as hard as I could to resist him. He was speaking truth from God's word, so I was in "danger" of being convicted. Two days later, the Holy Spirit swooped in with full Hebrews 4:12 force and penetrated my soul. I felt a strong desire to repent. I tried to ignore that as best I could. Why should I repent? I'm justified for feeling this way...

Then, while I was sitting at my desk at work, divine providence led me here:

Now it happened that as he was praying alone, the disciples were with him. And he asked them, "Who do the crowds say that I am?" And they answered, "John the Baptist. But others say, Elijah, and others, that one of the prophets of old has risen." Then he said to them, "But who do you say that I am?" And Peter answered, "The Christ of God." And he strictly charged and commanded them to tell this to no one, saying, "The Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised." And he said to all, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself? For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words, of him will the Son of Man be ashamed when he comes in his glory and the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.

I started challenging myself. Do I really know what it means to deny myself, take up my cross daily, and follow Him? Obviously, I have NOT been doing that. I found that I did not truly undertand the implications of such a bold statement, so I did a little research and came across a fellow named Dr. Ralph Wilson. I discovered these truths:

***To take up my cross and go after Jesus is not to take up some burden, affliction, or mistreatment as I have been taught my whole life. It is to take up death. Jesus was very clear that to go after Him is not only to go after suffering and rejection, but to go after death (the same Greek phrase is used in Mark 15:21 when referring to the literal action of Simon the Cyrene).

***Denying myself means to abandon my way to adopt the way of the One I am choosing to follow, not add His way into my already full life. To clean my slate and fill it with His is true discipleship.

***Be faithful to Christ no matter the cost--even if it means my life. "Only by self-denial and surrender to Jesus' will we save our lives in any lasting, eternal sense."

This quote from Dr. Wilson is worth its weight in gold:

You see, the choice to be a disciple of Jesus is not an option for the Christian believer. It is a necessity. We will either lay down our lives and follow Jesus, or we will seek to add Jesus to our own lives and risk deceiving ourselves about our religiousness and lose our very selves. Discipleship is not a more difficult path in Christianity. It is the only path to life. We either follow Jesus' path, or we lose our way.

I have not proven to be a disciple by my actions. I have refused to walk the walk but have been eager to talk the talk. This is not indicative of a disciple. I can honestly say that I now understand the implications of Luke 9:18-26, therefore repentance is in order.

Compassion Through His Mercy

2009-10-29T08:00:00.003-05:00

^{The Fire has been extinguished. I capitalize Fire because it had become very real to me--an energy that had fueled me with great hope and excitement and a passion never before experienced. That Fire, however, was very quickly extinguished on Monday, October 19, 2009.

After a battery of tests over the last few months, we walked into Dr. Woo's* office for our infertility treatment consultation.}^{My nerves had been unsettled all day because I feared the worse, but nothing could have prepared me to actually hear what I thought was the worst. Here are our options:}

The first option was really no option at all. We've had five failed Clomid cycles, and I was in no way interested in a sixth. The other two options are not options for us right now because they are so expensive. I was in so much shock at first that I really didn't react. My mind just wondered...What about our plans? I'm 26 years old, and Lord knows how old I'll be when we're actually able to afford this. Sure I have lots of eggs now, but that number decreases the older I get. I want 3 kids. The later I start, the more that number will decrease. What if by the time we are able to afford it, my childbearing years are over? 'Round about 7:00pm it hit me: we may never become parents. I felt the extreme urge to cry but kept the flood gates locked because we had a prior engagement.

That was the beginning of my lament (an expression of grief or sorrow).

Believe it or not, I've had people look at my lamentation as a "lack of faith" or "giving up hope." They've said things like, "I know what the doctor said, but God has the final say. Just have faith...," or "Don't give up hope. God is gonna come through for y'all because y'all are good people." I know they mean well, but they have no idea that the things they say are some of the most insensitive things you can say to a woman who is struggling with infertility. And it surely doesn't help that these comments have come from those who have at least one child of their own...

As spirit fought my flesh the following Tuesday, these words from Lamentations 3:21-25 came to mind:

²¹ This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.
²² Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
²³ They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
²⁴ “ The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“ Therefore I hope in Him!”
²⁵ The LORD is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him.

I am NOT angry, but I WANT to be. I want to be mad at God. I want to shake my fist to the heavens and cry out how badly this hurts and tell God how much He's forsaken me. I want tell Him how I've had faith for 5 years that He was willing AND able to do this, yet He's choosing not to, and how incredibly hurtful and damaging it is to my faith. I WANT TO DO ALL OF THOSE THINGS AND FEEL ALL OF THOSE EMOTIONS BUT I CAN'T!!

You know why? Because through His mercies two things have happened: 1.) I was not consumed for even thinking about wanting to be upset with Him after all the grace He's given me. 2.) I am a recipient of His unfailing compassions! God's FAITHFULNESS is great! He has made it so that He's all the portion I need. All of my satisfaction and joy is hidden in Him, and He is good to those who seek Him!

Today, I can stand with Jeremiah and say, "I recall this to my mind, therefore I have hope." My hope is in Christ, not in my ability to conceive a child. The Father has saved me from my futile thinking and selfish ambitions. He has shown me how glorious Christ is and how perfect and just He is. He has shown me that despite my sinful nature that He loves me and He has placed His love in me so that I can love Him back. And that, my friends, is a miracle if I've ever seen one...

I am not saying by any means that this is a magic eraser that has taken away the pain, and I am not still grieving the news. I battle it everyday. Some days are good. Some days are bad. But my soul is not destitute, and I know the Father is walking with me through this. He feels what I feel. He hurts because I'm hurting. He knows my frustration and weakness.

Even though I am broken on the surface, there is a well spring of hope deep down inside of me that keeps me. And no matter what the outcome I know that Christ is enough.

*Names have been changed to protect identity

Living Well and Dying Well

2009-10-07T17:30:00.004-05:00

A few months ago, I was on my high horse. I had everything in the world going for me: a great job, a wonderful husband, good health, great friends, food to eat, clothes to wear, cars to drive, and money to spend (not a lot of money...just a few dollars to go thrift shopping here and there :). And it was such a great tragedy. Why, you ask? Who would consider the comforts of this life a great tragedy? I would because I housed all of my trust in that great comfort....until one day I ran across a story that would set me straight and leave me looking to God and God alone as my treasure...
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A few months ago, I read this blog post from Desiring God, and the wind was immediately taken out of my sail. It was a the story of a woman named Rachel Barkey who had a great life. She had a good job that she loved, a wonderful husband, two beautiful children, tons of friends and family who loved her, money to spend, food to eat, cars to drive, and good health--until she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She went through surgery and treatment and the prognosis was great: they got all the cancer and she was on the road to recovery, and with that, she went into remission.

But sometime later, the cancer returned.

The cancer came back very aggressively and invaded her liver and bones--which is for all intents and purposes a death sentence unless God performed a miracle. Of course she and her family and friends wept bitterly at the news and prayed for a miracle, but in the event she did not receive the miracle she'd been hoping for, she made the decision to "finish well." Cancer would not be the end of her but rather the vehicle of her transition from this life to the next. She had decided not to waste her cancer.
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I followed her website sporadically for a few months, where she would post updates about her progress (or regress). The more I read, the sicker I felt.

How could I be so shallow to think that the things of this world mattered as much as I thought they did? Why have I been placing all my trust in this kindling (1 Peter 3:7)?

Rachel had everything to live for, yet when she was faced with the grim reality that it would all be taken away from her, she still chose live well so that she could die well. I went to Rachel's website to read her latest letter and found [the announcement]: Rachel went home to be with the Lord on July 2, 2009.
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I smiled.
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This past weekend, I was discussing perseverance with some friends and why people just don't "get it." My answer:

Christians don't REALLY believe that there is life beyond this one.

They don't believe in the great reward that Jesus, Peter, and Paul talk so much about because if they did, they would live well (persevere) and look forward to death because it's actually the beginning of life.
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Rachel taught me that perseverance is very real and very possible. She didn't get mad at God because the cancer came back. She didn't question God's faithfulness to her in light of this tragedy. She didn't sit back in self-pity and sit on the sidelines of the race. No, she used this cancer to build a momentum that would propel her to the finish line with flying colors. She used her cancer to teach others how to live well and persevere to the end. And for that, I believe she received the crown of life (James 1:12).
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Rachel didn't worry about the cares of this world as she lay dying. She focused her thoughts on her Savior, whom she knew she would see sooner rather than later. She focused on teaching others what perseverance looked like through a life of suffering and pain. She focused on reminding every Christian that we are far from home, and we must not cease pressing toward the goal (Philippians 3:14).
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I have made up in my mind that I will live well. I will not put my trust in anything other than the Lord Jesus Christ. I will not store up treasures on this earth. My treasures will lie in heaven and heaven alone. I look forward to the day I die, for it will be a glorious day indeed--better than all of my best days on earth combined. I will persevere, then by God's grace, I will die well as my final act of worship.

Press Play 2: DISCIPLINE!!

2009-10-02T15:00:00.001-05:00

Hello Everyone!

I guess by the greeting you can tell that I'm back :)

I missed being away, but it was a necessary break to muse on a few things. I have tons of musings to share but I can only do one at a time. The first comes the discipline I've been under.
God has been PRUNING me to say the least, but what a blessed assurance of His love because His Word teaches us that

"He disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."--Hebrews 12:10-11

Some healing has been taking place internally, and I feel like I'm finally on the brink of TOTAL freedom from the bitterness I have toward a close family member. I was going to have "the conversation" with that person this summer, but some dear sisters in Christ encouraged me not to move until God tells me to (they said based on what I said I would have been in the flesh by going forth because I still sounded bitter). Well, they all rightly discerned, and that was not the right time. But I believe that now is the time, and by His grace I will move forward. The Lord has been ministering to me with a song called "Moving Forward" and it has been such a blessing!

Well, I will be calling her tomorrow morning to talk to her and ask her some of the questions I want answers to. I am not going into it with any expectations from her, but ALL expectation in God that He will set me free once and for all from this. It doesn't matter what she says or doesn't say. I will have gotten it out of my heart and extend full forgiveness to her for these things for the first time in my life.

So.....said all that to say PLEASE PRAY FOR ME that God will move by His Spirit, humble me more than I could ever imagine, and give me immeasurable grace and love to extend to my mother during our time together. I love you all and I covet your prayers DEEPLY. I appreciate each one of you for what you have added to my life. Thank you in advance for everything.

Happy Birthday To Me

2009-09-17T16:46:00.000-05:00

Today is my birthday. That makes me happy ;-)

Press Pause 2

2009-07-31T12:14:00.000-05:00

Taking a break to mature in the faith. Peace.

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm: Christian Author's Book Covers/Church Websites

2009-07-16T16:47:00.005-05:00

Why is it that 90% of Christian books have the author's face plastered somewhere on the book sleeve or its pages?

Why is it that 99.9% of church websites have the pastor's (and sometimes his wife's) picture plastered all over the webpage?

There is something to be said for what I believe to be a lack of humility. If you are supposed to be deferring others to Christ through your writings or church, why do they need to know what you look like?

Hmmmm...

Perfection? Yes!

2009-06-16T11:55:00.002-05:00

We are glad whenever we are weak but you are strong; and our prayer is for your perfection. 2 Corinthians 13:9

There are two things that are not socially unacceptable conversational taboo topics:

Politics and Religion

So, why did I engage in taboo yesterday? Why did I allow myself to be drug into the dark hole at work? Because God had something He wanted to show me, that's why!

A coworker came in talking about his dislike for mega churches and went on an entire rave about false teachers and pastors only doing it for the money and why he doesn't go to church, blah, blah, blah...You know the typical excuses that people use to justify their own manufactured brand of Christianity where they get to pick and choose which parts they will accept.

Now as I sat quietly at my desk, I silently agreed with him on the whole mega church/false teacher/gospel peddling preacher thing. He had some very valid points. But when he began to refer to the Christian God as a "supreme being" and started saying that you have to find a church where you can "get fed" to the point where you feel "peace within yourself" and not to get so involved where you began to "take all that stuff seriously," he lost me. I translated all that to mean: " Just go to church to get a motivational speech and if the pastor starts teaching the bible and conviction of sin and holiness, then leave because he's started to take it too seriously."

I was still trying to keep quiet, but I felt compelled to speak because there was one unbeliever and one very weak brother in the room. I couldn't leave what could have very well been their last perception of my mighty God as a weak "supreme being," so we began the debate. Thanks be to God that He gave me the words to say (I get so nervous in apologetic debates because I feel like I'm still a babe in Christ and don't enough even though I read a lot and have digested a lot of information AND I am NOT a great communicator). It speaks to the power of God's Holy Spirit because He always steps in and makes Himself known.

The hot button topic was "preachers who sleep around/make the congregation support their lavish lifestyles/divorce their wives/etc. and the church continues to follow him." Of course I brought up the qualifications of the overseers (1 Timothy 3:1-7) and challenged them to check their leader's character against the standard of the bible not man, blah,blah blah... The other two people joined the debate and then the infamous words came up:

"But nobody is perfect. God knows our hearts..."

I got fired up. I wanted to yell at the top of my lungs (but I didn't; I said it very kindly, thank you), "I'm sick of people falling back on the excuse, 'Nobody's perfect.' How long are we going to keep bringing that to God as if it's a Get Out of Hell Free Card? And you're right, he DOES know our hearts--that they are wicked, evil, and full of sin. THAT'S THE REASON WHY HE CHANGES OUR HEARTS AND THEN GIVES US THE POWER OF HIS GRACE TO LIVE HOLY. NO EXCUSES!"

That pretty much shut the conversation down with the most glorious silence I've ever experienced in such a debate. The kind of silence where you know the Spirit is bearing witness to the Father and making the Father known.

That moment was an indictment on everyone in that room...especially me.

How long, O God will I continue to rest on the crutch of sinful nature when Your word is very clear that I have immeasurable power in me to live holy as You have called me to?

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm: Extra People??

2009-06-11T11:09:00.004-05:00

In Genesis 4, Cain kills Abel and his punishment (per God) was to be a restless wanderer of the earth.

Cain's main concern was that whoever finds him will kill him.

God assures Cain that no one would kill him, places a mark on him to seal His promise, and sends Cain out on his way into the land of Nod.

Cain lays with his wife and has a son. His son has a son, who has a son, who has a son...

Where did all those "extra" people come from? How did Cain know that other people were out there who could kill him? Where did his wife come from? Where did his son's wives and his grandson's wives come from?

Little Prayer

2009-06-08T10:52:00.005-05:00

I think I'm a pretty safe driver. I always buckle up, use my blinker/mirrors, and maneuver the roads with caution. But I've learned that just because I think my safety (and my fellow drivers' safety) is important. However, I have not always been this way. I used to have a need for speed and would race any car that gave me the "stare" at the stop light or on the freeway. I would drive at reckless speeds just to satisfy my pride, and road rage was just as a part of my character as me being a woman.

But somewhere along the way that became stupid to me, and I decided to be a better driver. However, I have noticed that not everyone shares my sentiment. There have been plenty of times when I have been driving and people have been coming so fast that I know had it not been for the grace of God they would have killed me (it just happened this morning; that's what prompted this post). Normally when this happens, all I can say is, "Jesus," and in those moments the Lord has been gracious enough to hear my prayer and spare my life.

I am convinced that because I call on the wonderful name of Jesus that I have been saved thus far, for His glory. Now, I'm not saying that I will be accident-free every time because I call on His name because if I were in a fatal car accident or if by chance I was hurt very badly, He would still be as glorious in my death or disability as He is in my full life.

All I'm saying is that I know my God is big enough and powerful enough to stop history in its tracks and change its course on behalf of my little prayer.

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm: The Lord Said...

2009-06-04T11:23:00.003-05:00

Why is it that when people really want you to believe what they're saying, really want you to do something, or really want to validate a point they always preface it with, "The Lord said..." or "The Lord told me to tell you..." or "The Lord told me to do..."?????

If the Lord prompted you to do/say something, just do it and let the fruit grow from it. Besides, if He really said what you claim, He will bear witness to Himself with the other person.

I have taken these phrases out of my vocabulary (unless the Lord is gracing me with a prophecy for someone in which case I will tell that person what thus saith the Lord).

Faith on E (E is for empty)

2009-06-01T12:20:00.003-05:00

Okay...[deep breath]...here we go...

I recently realized that the contents of my faith barrel are equivalent to the last bit of cocoa butter lotion in the bottle. It's so empty that I have to beat the bottle against my hand until it hurts in order to get something out of it.

I know God is who He says He is. I believe in God. Why don't I believe Him? I know He specializes in the impossible. I know of the mighty works of His hands. I know He is sovereign and loving and merciful and great and awesome and trustworthy.

I know these things full well! But why don't I believe them?

Why don't I have faith as a child? Why do I come to God with stipulations? Why do I pray about things and then get off my knees thinking, "God is going to do what He wants to do anyway. Why did I bother with petitions?" when the bible is full of examples of God changing the course of history because of a person's prayer. Since I believe God to be sovereign, why can't I just believe that (in His sovereignty) He is leading me to pray for something or someone because He wants to use my petition to move in that person's life and increase my faith?

I think my doctrine on faith was damaged during my stint in the charismatic church (Now, in their defense I appreciate their willingness to believe God for anything). After years of sitting under "faith abuse" teachings, I wanted to run as far away from that as I could when I finally came into the light. I didn't want to characterize anything resembling the charismatic church and that included being so foolish as to believe that God wants to work the impossible in my life. I was in no position to concentrate on what God could do because I didn't have a real sense of who He actually is. So once I began learning more about who He is (particularly His sovereignty), I pulled the reigns on faith until it finally stood still.

So now I'm starting over.

I am begging God to increase my faith every single day. I'm asking God for fresh faith. I want to be a fool for Him. Even when the wisdom of this world says I'm crazy, I still want to be a fool because I know that "God has [already] chosen the foolish things of this world to shame the wise" (1 Corinthians 1:27). I'm asking Him to help me understand His love for me and trust Him when His word says things like,"because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy" and "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us..." (Ephesians 2:4 and 1John 3:1, respectively) because I have such a hard understanding that kind of love. I'm asking Him to help me forgive others just as He forgave me. I'm asking Him to help me believe Psalm 84:11 where it says, "No good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless." I'm asking Him for the guts to live present-active-participle faith and not a morsel less.

I know that He can. And today marks day one of me believing that He WILL.

I'm The Pharisee

2009-05-21T09:49:00.004-05:00

I listened to a teaching called Christ Alone on Luke 18:9-14 yesterday per my husband's request.

Very sobering to say the least.

You see, I'm the Pharisee. I suffer from the cancer of self righteousness. As the teacher points out in the teaching, the guy's prayer really wasn't bad. It's okay to pursue holiness and to be zealous in your obedience to God. In fact, you should do those things. But the problem comes in when you start thinking more of yourself than you ought (Romans 12:3).

I have a tendency to think I'm good because I do certain things, because I'm obedient in certain areas, because I'm moral. But if you take away my morality and fellowship with the saints, would people really recognize me as a follower of the Way? Would they have a reason to persecute me? Or do I fit in more with the Pharisees (the ones who are doing the persecution)?

I am embarrassed and sad to say that if the truth were told, I fit more with the persecuting Pharisees. I need to be in the outer court throwing myself on the mercy of the Lord right next to the tax collector. I do not have it all together. I am not good. I need as much mercy as the sinner.

Take some time to read that story (I've included the link in the reference above) and reflect on where you stand. It's such a liberating feeling to lay these things before the only person who can change them. That's where I've fallen short all these years. I have tried to "get myself together." And as you can see, I've failed miserably.

Lord, I am not worthy of being in your good grace. I have abused it time after time by thinking that my obedience and good works make me worthy. I have failed to throw myself on your mercy die to pride and arrogance. Forgive me Father! Wash me clean and let me not forget the work of the cross. Let me not be so pompous and ridiculous enough to take away from the saving grace and redemptive power of the Savior. You deemed His sacrifice the perfect exchange for my sin. There is no righteousness outside of the Righteous One. Help me, God! Save me from myself! In the powerful name of Jesus, so be it!

The Deepest Pain Known To (Wo)man

2009-05-19T13:40:00.001-05:00

Okay. I'm bracing myself. This is, by far, the HARDEST thing in the world for me to talk/read/write about. I'm not even sure this post will make it to the public (if you're reading it, somehow it did). If it does, I'll post it to both blogs because it's paradoxically theological and mundane.

So here it goes:

When I was about 13 years old, I had a visit to the OB/GYN for the first time due to what I have dubbed as "the never ending cycle." I knew my condition wasn't "normal," but I never thought it was a big deal. Maybe this is what happens to all girls around this age. My cycle was never really regular. It started for the first time when I was 10, and I could literally count on one hand the number of times I had one from 10 to 13. But when I did have one, it lasted a long time.

Well, one day in 8th grade it came and never left. 71 days to be exact. My mother noticed that she had been buying what seemed like an endless supply of "products" and asked me about it. Me, thinking that's just the way it is, nonchalantly answered her, but when I saw the look on her face I knew something was terribly wrong. OMG. This must be serious. She is talking about me not going to school tomorrow (which never happens) to bring me to the doctor. What? OB/GYN? Who's having a baby around here? Certainly not me...

Well, the next day we go and see Dr. Swain-Jones. You see, only women go to see her. Why on earth was I there? I was just barely a teenager. But what a sweet and gentle woman she was! She spoke kindly and softly to me and in terms that I could understand. "Honey," she said, "you are just fine. You just don't have a normal menstrual cycle like everybody else. You don't have to be worried about that at all right now. We're just going to put you on birth control to make the bleeding stop." The room grew painfully silent. Birth control? What?! Who's having sex?

My mother adamantly refused that. "My baby is only 13, she will not be on birth control! There's got to be another option." Dr. Swain looked up as if she knew my mother would object. "Yes, Mommy there is another option, but it is a lot more complicated than the birth control. You see, birth control is one pill a day, everyday. Your other option is Provera. She must take it for 10 days starting on the 16th day of every cycle." What in the world is she talking about? Ten days, sixteen days, first day...this is weird. Mom said, "Well, we just gonna have to go with that then because she ain't getting on no birth control!" And Dr. Swain kindly replied, "Very well then. Provera it is."

She scribbled a prescription, gave it to my mother, and we walked out.

I could have cared less about the condition at that time. I was just happy the bleeding could be stopped. It was cramping my style. I couldn't spend the night at friends' houses, spend the whole day at the mall with everybody else, and I had to carry a purse everywhere I went (that was a major concern for me seeing that I was a tomboy). The pills worked, but it was too much for me to keep up with so that didn't last long. And I just stopped taking them.

When I got to high school, I decided to endure irregularity until my senior year. My cycle only came about twice a year for a month at a time. In my eyes, that was doable. Once I became a senior, I had to get regulated because I couldn't be incapacitated for all my senior activities.

This time we went back to the doctor.

A different doctor.

A colder, harsher, less friendly doctor.

I begged Mom not to go down the Provera route again because I failed miserably. I guess I was convincing because she let me get the birth control (maybe she thought I was sexually active or about to be soon since I was going to college. I don't know, but neither of which was the case as far as I was concerned).

The new doctor (I don't even remember her name; that's how bad she was) said, "I'm sure you're not thinking of having babies right now, but when you start thinking about it, come back and see me so we can explore . You won't be able to get pregnant." I thought to myself Lady, first off I'm not getting married, so I'm not having any kids. Secondly, if I was considering having kids you would be the last person I'd want to help me. She scribbled a prescription and once again we were on our merry way.

I didn't think twice about the prognosis. I was not getting married; therefore, I was not having anybody's children. I would just be a traveling school teacher and go all around the world teaching kids. Yep! That's what I'll do =)

However, God had a slightly different plan. Two and a half years later, me and my guy were getting pretty serious. Marriage started peeking on the horizon, but I wasn't entirely sold on the idea. We'd talked about it every now and again, but I was even more deterred from the thought of marriage seeing that I wouldn't even be able to give the man any kids. My baby making machine was broken. Since we had been talking about marriage, I figured I should try to deter him, so I told him about my prognosis. He was so kind and loving (bless his heart!) and said it didn't matter whether or not we had kids. He had made his mind up that he wanted to be with me and if that meant no kids then so be it. Sweet gesture, but I'm still not going to marry you. I know you like kids--in fact you LOVE kids. I wouldn't take that away from you...

Then, he proposed.

I was so wrapped up in the beauty of the moment that I blurted out a "YES!" before I could even process the reasons why I should have said "NO!" So, in the coming days I thought of ways that I could break the brand new engagement. This man is wonderful. I know he'd make a wonderful husband and super father. But I'm in no condition to match his credentials, so I MUST get out of this.

I had to go back to school that Sunday, so on our farewell date I told him I didn't want to take any opportunities away from him and that he deserved a well woman. I didn't want him to marry me then later divorce me because he changed his mind about kids. He refused. He didn't need a well woman. He needed me. So I made him promise me that he wouldn't change his mind and that he would keep me as his wife forever. And he did.

Well, we were married 8 months later. A few months into my marriage, I woke up with the most terrible pain in my breasts that I had ever felt in my life. I was "late" (which was unusual considering I was on birth control), and I thought that could only mean one thing. So, I called my friend Talya and asked her what she thought. She told me to take a PT immediately and that there was a strong chance that I was pregnant. What?! Pregnant? Impossible! I told her she was out of her mind and that I was not taking one of those. I didn't even want kids.

As the day grew older, the nagging thought of a possible pregnancy loomed in the back of my head. Could I be? Maybe. There's only one way to find out. I went to the store and bought the most expensive PT I could find. It was the new (at that time) digital one. I didn't want any mistake about the answer. When I got home I took the test and left it in the bathroom. What in the world am I going to do with a child? I haven't finished school yet, I'm still trying to learn this whole wife thing, and I can't even cook that well yet!

Then, all of a sudden this desire came over me.

It was a desire that I guess I should have had since I was a little girl. I wanted that test to be positive. I want to have a baby. OMG! I may actually get to be someone's mother. Not just anyone's mother, but a mother to my own child. Mine and Jeff's. Oh, what joy! We can turn that second bedroom into the cutest little nursery and start shopping for a rocker and a bassinet. I can't wait to hold the little baby in my--Wait a minute. I haven't even checked the result yet.

I walked slowly into the bathroom, turned the light on, and peeked over the counter at the test.

Not Pregnant.

A wave of relief and heartbreak hit me instantly. Relief because we really weren't financially ready for a child. I was in my third year of college, and he was just starting out in his career as a barber. Heartbreak because the desire was born in me immediately, and I was let down by the fact that the desire didn't come into fruition.

I was always taught to work hard, and I could have anything I wanted. But I was hit with the reality that no matter how hard I work at this, I cannot control the outcome.

It's been almost five years since that day, and the pendulum has swung to both extremes since then. Some days I want a child so badly I feel like weeping uncontrollably. Other days I'm glad we don't have any children, and I think we shouldn't have them. I don't know if those feelings fluctuate due to my inability to reproduce at this time or out of grief or out of a lack of fear of trusting in God. If I just don't want any kids, I save face (and God's face) so we don't look like total idiots in the end if it doesn't happen. Also, that's just one less thing to make me fully trust in/rely/depend on God for.

But if I'm completely honest with myself, my pendulum tends to swing more to the Want To Conceive So Badly side.

The fact of the matter is that I do want children. I do. And I have committed to trusting God with every area of my life, so that means this one. I can't even lie, I'm scared of the unknown. What if He says no? I don't know. What if He says yes? I'd probably weep with uncontrollable joy.

I don't know everything, but what I do know is that God is good, He works all things together for good (if you are called according to his purpose) (Romans 8:28), and He will not withhold anything good (from those whose walk is blameless) (Psalm 84:11). So, if children are good for me, then I'll have them. If not, then I won't.

All I can do is trust God's purpose and plan for my life. I can only live one moment at a time.

A Little Jewel Tucked Away in 2 Chronicles

2009-05-12T10:51:00.003-05:00

I came across this scripture (2 Chronicles 16:9) one day while reading a book:

For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him...

The Lord, in His infinite mercy on my silly self, ingrained this into my heart and wrote it on my mind. He wants me to know that He is looking throughout the earth for people to strengthen!! He didn't send an angel out to look for people and report back to Him. Uh-uh. That's not good enough. He, the almighty, omnipotent, gracious, everlasting-mercy-having, great, big, loving God, himself is the One doing the searching!

My little finite mind can barely grasp this concept, but I know I'm holding on to it with every shred of my being. It's particularly tough for me because I struggle with guilt. I find myself thinking, "God doesn't want good for me. I deserve to be weak and given over to the Devil so that he can have his way with my mind." But the Lord has clearly spoken. He doesn't want me to be weak. He is looking for me so that He can make me strong.

But there is one prerequisite: My heart has to be fully committed to Him.

There is no gray area in the word, fully. Fully committed. I wonder if I'm fully committed?

Sometimes, I just want to give in to the flesh because it's just easier. I don't want to persevere in this race. I want to go off on the sideline and enjoy the pleasures of the temporary rest of this world. But my heart won't let me.

There are days when I deliberately choose the wrong path. I'll "speak my mind" when I know I should be quiet. I will choose not to study my bible because there's another book that I'd rather be reading. I'll choose to serve myself over others. I'll refuse to pray because I think, "What's the use? It's not going to change anything..." But on these days, my heart cries out to me to resist the flesh. It grieves uncontrollably. And it never fails that when I choose wrong, I feel horrible in the end.

I examined myself to see if my heart is fully committed to God, and I found that the answer is yes. Even though I choose sin sometimes, my heart never leaves the feet of the Master. It always longs for God. The one, true, and living God. And for that I am grateful.

As a testimony to His wonderful grace, whenever I stray He remembers the sacrifice of His Son and calls the Great Shepherd to reach for His staff and bring me back into the fold.

Oh, how I love Jesus
Oh, how I love Jesus
Oh, how I love Jesus
The sweetest name I know

God, I know you're looking for me today. My heart is fully committed to You, so I know that you desire to strengthen me. Help me to rest in Your strength to persevere through these tough times so that your name will be glorified forever! In Jesus' name, Amen

Reflections On Good Friday: A Post That Sat In My Drafts For A Month

2009-05-10T08:00:00.002-05:00

**I know Good Friday was April 10, 2009, but I typed this and never posted it. I saw in my drafts and decided to post it. A month later isn't that bad :)**

Last night we were all in the kitchen and the question arose with a disdain and somewhat confused tone:

"Why is it called Good Friday?"

"Well, because it's the day Jesus died on the cross."

"Ooooookay...and why is that good? He died. "

"Yes, He did. But it's good. Because He died, we get to live. Because He died, we are saved.

"Oh."

We carried on with the normal dinner routine, but the thought never left me. It is good that He died. He died so that I could live. When Resurrection Sunday approaches, we are all inclined to think about Jesus' trial, death, burial, resurrection, and ascension in terms of what it means to us: salvation. But how many times do we stop to think about what it means to the Father?

The only purpose we live on this earth is to glorify God. Every human on the planet has the same purpose (now, whether or not they chose to submit to that purpose is a different blog post). So, I want to take a few seconds to look at the resurrection from a "How does this glorify God?" perspective.

John 12:27-28 says,

"Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? 'Father, save me from this hour'? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name!"
Then a voice came from heaven, "I have glorified it, and will glorify it again."

Jesus' death glorified the Father because it fulfilled His ultimate purpose for being on the earth. He came to glorify the name of the Father at the most expensive price a man can pay: his life.

We are also called to glorify the Father to this end.

God also gets glory because His original plan for man (that was interrupted by sin) was pieced back together through His Son and gives us a means by which we can glorify the Father (which makes the Father very glad). Through His glory alone, we receive joy to our eternal satisfaction.

So, this year I'm taking a new approach to the resurrection: I am celebrating the glory that the Father received through the death, burial, resurrection, and ascension of the Son.

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm: Pastor So and So

2009-05-08T08:00:00.000-05:00

A friend asked this on his facebook status once. It made me go hmmm...maybe it will make you go hmmm, too...

Is it appropriate to call someone the title of their gift, specifically speaking, pastor? Why aren't they just considered brother? Afterall, pastor is not a title. It's a gift.

Since I have the gift of mercy, should you call me Mercy Mercadel?

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm: Church Planters And Their Plants

2009-05-07T10:05:00.005-05:00

Why is it that when church planters seek to plant churches, they very rarely (if ever) go into the bowels of the inner city--not the cute, hip, loft-on-every-corner downtown area, but the forgotten places such as the public housing units, trailer parks, and low income neighborhoods?

And why don't church plant organizations (that's a hmmm all by itself; I'm still scratching my head on that one) propel their clients into the inner city to plant churches?

And for all my satellite endorsing believers out there: How come we never see a satellite in the inner city?

A Meeting With God On The 20th Floor

2009-05-07T08:00:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was perhaps the second most fabulous weekend of my life (second to my wedding weekend only). My dear friends (brothers and sisters in the faith) have been walking with me and struggling with me during this very difficult roommate situation. For the most part I'm a quiet person. I like a lot of quiet moments; I don't function well without them. Well lately, I have not been doing so well because I've not had any time to decompress, think, and pray as I normally would. Someone is always in every room of the house with some kind of media going on. So I was extremely irritable and....let's just say I was not the kind of person you wanted to be around.

Wait.

Let me back up a second.

Rewind:

My husband and I recently opened our home to a friend from high school who moved to the area and needed some help. She also has a darling little two year old girl who just melts our hearts :). If you click on the above link you'll see the grace of God in that situation. A few months after that, we took in this homeless teenager to try to help her get on her feet and work through the horrible stuff she's been through in her life. Well, to make a loooooong story short concerning her, it's been a month and the only progress we've made has been backwards. She has stubbornly resisted our grace and love, and it was causing me (and everyone else) a great deal of stress.

Okay.

Fast Forward:

I really needed a break. I was coming undone. I asked my hubby if I could go to a hotel for a couple of nights to get some rest and quietness. Much to my surprise, he actually agreed with no questions asked (if you know my husband, then you'd understand the grace in that :)!!! Well, he mentioned it to the Body, and they stepped up BIG TIME. They sent me to the lovely Renaissance Hotel (It's the tube of lipstick building right off 35E in Dallas) and told me to enjoy God's grace (I didn't know the Body was a part of this until Sunday).

My room was on the 20th floor, away from all the hustle bustle where I could really concentrate on God. I learned a whole lot about myself, particularly my sin. Here are the highlights:

1. I am not as good a wife as I thought I was. This trip helped me to realize that my husband is fabulous. He is so caring, unselfish, and patient. I am not. I had been robbing him of a good wife by letting my emotions control our current situation in my weakness rather than leaning on God's understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6) and joy for my strength (Nehemiah 8:10). I realized that I am more of a taker than a giver and that I served for selfish gain. I have been a disgraceful wife who has brought decay to my husband's bones with my disobedience to him and God (Proverbs 12:4). I have repented to God and my husband in private. I am now confessing my sin publicly.

2. I am waaaaaaay more impatient than I thought I was. I found that I was patient as long as things were going well, but when life threw me a curve ball I came undone. I have learned that impatience is weakness. Not the broken, contrite weakness that God is made strong in, but the kind of weakness that built on pride and that God detests. A weakness that says, "I'm not going to rely on God for His strength. I don't trust Him. I'm going to rely on my external circumstances to control my life." This was such a hard pill to swallow seeing that I thought I passed the last Impatience Test...well, I'll just dust myself off with my new insight and try again. Thank God for grace :)

3. I don't believe God as much and as deeply as I claim because of fear. It's hard for me to admit this publicly because I want to appear as if I have it all together. I want people to believe that I do believe God as much as I say I do. Pride is a beast...and so is lying, so the truth is this: fear paralyzes me from believing God like I should. Here's my stream of consciousness on the subject--If I believe Him, I run the risk of being let down, of being rejected, of being hurt, of not getting what I want. Oh wait! There's that pride thing again. I need to submit my desires to His. Why do I believe that God doesn't want good for me? Why do I think He wants me to fail? This is crazy. Ok...die flesh. Die...Believing God means believing His word over mine. Believing God means trusting Him to work all things out for my good--after all, He knows the future; I don't. Believing God means trusting that:

God is who He says He is
God can do what He says He can do
I am who God says I am
I can do all things through Christ
God's word is alive and active in me
(Bullet points from Believing God)

4. My attention span is deficient. This is self explanatory :). Being in that hotel room alone with no laundry, grocery lists, cooking, cleaning, or homework to do made me realize how much multi-tasking has disabled my ability to concentrate on one thing at a time.

The Bottom Line: I'm not perfect, but I haven't been striving to be either (2 Corinthians 13:9). Things have got to change around here...

Press Play...The Sower And His Seed

2009-05-06T12:41:00.004-05:00

I guess I wasn't gone for as long as I thought I'd be :)

My husband encouraged me with this sobering conversation between him and the Lord. Let's take a listen:

Jeff: God, why hasn't most of the seeds you led me to plant bore any fruit yet?"

He was very perplexed that God had led so many to him, but had only saved one.

God: Son, all the sower can do is plant the seed. He depends on me for the increase.

Glory to God that the increase doesn't depend on the depraved!

Press Pause...

2009-04-29T13:36:00.002-05:00

I am going to take a break from blogging here for a while because I don't have anything fruitful to say right now.

I will still post on my other blog (it's linked at the top of this page) if you'd like to cyberly keep up with me :)

Thanks. Peace.

I Just Don't Know...

2009-04-20T08:58:00.002-05:00

Have you ever had one of those days where you just don't know...about anything?? Well, if you have, you know first hand about the confusion and irritation and impatience and lack of control that comes with those kinds of days.

Well, try having that kind of day perpetually for two weeks! Everyday. Day in and day out. Just not knowing. I'm having trouble discerning the voice of God right now. I'm at this crossroad and there really is no clear right or wrong. I could make a decision either way. One problem is that I can't figure out if I should look out for my best interest or the other person's best interest (before you quote Philippians 2:4 on me, the other person is not a believer). The other problem is I can't decipher if the uneasy feeling I am getting about this person's intent is God telling me to be wise or God telling me to die to self righteous pride.

Well, I just don't know...I'll let you know how it turns out...

...On Church Advertisement

2009-04-15T10:16:00.006-05:00

As I coast down the Dallas North Tollway South (How's that for a road name, right?) for my morning commute, I run across several billboards--Container Store, Hospitals, Lowe's, and Metro PCS--all of which are designed to get our business. I have no problem with that. But, there is one billboard on that same route that I do have a problem with.

It has a nice picture of a mother and child playing together with this phrase, "A church that you can believe in." Now, I won't reveal the name of the church, but I was unearthed when I saw the advertisement. Really? A church that you can believe in? That's the whole problem! We have too many people believing in churches and not in the Savior of the Church. But before I jump my own gun, let me clarify my points of contention.

1.) Marketing the Kingdom of God is not biblical. Now, I can hear some of you saying, "Well, we live in a sophisticated age where we have the means to integrate cultural advances for the sake of the Kingdom." I can also hear some of you saying, "There is nothing inherently wrong with advertisement, so we are free to operate under Christian liberty and use it to advance the commission of the Church." Yes, we do live in a sophisticated age and we have lots of technological advancements that aid the Kingdom in many ways. I'm all for using technology for aiding. But advancing? I don't think so. I don't think we should use advertisement to get people to "come to church." First of all, it perpetuates the notion that the church is a building and not a people. Secondly, it perpetuates the Western idea of the Church operating under the corporate business model. Which brings me to my next point...

2.) The Church was never meant to adopt the ways of this world. We are not called to culturally contextualize the church. We are called to impact the culture through the context of the church. Advertising reduces the personal witness of Christ (the Great Commission) to marketing. Let's put a sign up to lure people in and then woo them with our grandiose production when they get here. But don't worry, we'll sprinkle some Jesus in there so we can keep our status as a "church." The 21st century church has jumped in the bed with the world and has started to produce hybrid children. The Western Church is customized to society's trends and bends. It no longer looks different from the world. It no longer possesses the radical power that causes men to ask, "What must I do to be saved?" It no longer presents itself as a city on a hill. It is passive and allows people to drown in a sea of faces, struggling and defeated by life. Church has become an additive to life, an errand. We mix it in around our other priorities (unless it's sports, dance, cheer competition, or summer season then church must take the back seat). But if we would simply download the fact that church is the assembly of believers and can happen at any time, we wouldn't have to ditch attendance for our family activities. So, again I say, the Church was never meant to adopt the ways of this world.

3.) Marketing produces competition. Metro PCS, Lowe's, the hospital, and The Container Store are selling a product for a profit. But they are not the only ones selling those products, so they must compete with the Sprints, Home Depots, other hospitals, and storage stores out there. Every church is offering the same Jesus, what do you need to compete with the other churches for??? And contrary to what a prominent DFW metroplex pastor believes, we are not selling Jesus to anyone, so there's no need to compete for profit! The church that put the massive billboard up did so within a square mile of about 20 other churches. The killer part is that the billboard church is in Downtown Dallas, but the billboard is in North Dallas (about a 20 minute drive depending on proximity to either location) That screams division. That screams, "Don't go to any of those other 20 churches in your neighborhood and get their Jesus. Drive 20 minutes so you can come get our Jesus." Friends, we should not be in competition with other churches.

The bottom line is this:

We wouldn't need advertisements if Christians would live as the body of Christ, be His hands and feet, and take His message with us to all the world as He (the head) leads us.

Our billboards and direct mail pieces won't attract people to Christ. It'll only attract them to the attraction that it advertises. Christianity is driven by community, not culture. People must lead other people to Christ by virtue of personal witness, not marketing strategies. My heart cries out for the Church to go back to her organic roots of preaching the gospel so that when people hear it, they can be "cut to the heart and sa[y]...'What shall we do [to be saved]?'" Acts 2:37.

Non-Traditional Easter...According To You

2009-04-13T14:50:00.003-05:00

Everyone is talking about what they did for Easter. I've gotten countless reports of "really good church services," Easter programs, egg hunts, golf games, and family "get togethers." But when the question is turned on me, "Hey Javetta, what did you do for Easter?" My simple reply seems to stir complexity and confusion and has resulted in the scratching of one's head,

"I sat on the floor in my bedroom and wrestled with 1 John, while warming my toes on the small space heater."

No, I didn't go to church. No, I didn't attend a family barbecue. No, I didn't participate in an Easter egg hunt. And yes, I am a real Christian.

This is the first Easter Sunday in my entire life that I was not found in a church. This is partly because this is the first Easter I've realized that church is not a building and partly because I had a long weekend that wore me out.

You see, my family of two has grown into a family of five in a matter of two months (No, we didn't have triplets nor am I pregnant nor did we adopt). How's that math for you?! I have two friends in need (one with a child) and the Lord has made it clear that Jeff and I are the ones to provide relief. Now, I have to add that by God's magnificent grace, one of them has giving her life to the Lord as a result of seeing Him through our lives. Glory!.......However, I have been pulled and stretched in every direction possible. I complained about it for a split second which led me to 1 John some time last week. I parked it here this past Sunday:

1 John 3:16-20

16This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. 17If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? 18Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. 19This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence 20whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

My little heart was getting weary in doing good. But the Lord showed me that He is greater than my little heart and knows everything. But more importantly, the work that I am doing confirms that I belong to the truth and commands that I set my heart at rest in His presence! This is good news! I was instantly humbled and reminded of God's precious saving grace through the Son in my life. He did what He did so that I get to do what He has called me to do. And for that I am filled with joy.

I think about Jesus' cross. Then, I think about my own cross. Then, I make a conscious decision to follow hard after Christ (i.e. deny myself and take up my cross). In doing so, the Resurrection story becomes more real to me than I could have ever imagined. I am living the story.

Live and in living color.

A Life Worth Living

2009-04-06T14:17:00.002-05:00

This Sunday was extremely remarkable for me. This scripture came to life:

"By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 3:35

A couple of months ago, I wrote about putting faith in action for the sake of the gospel. I had been challenged in this area by the Holy Spirit as I had examined myself to see whether or not I was in the faith (James 2:14-17). I had recently reconnected with a long lost friend who had relocated to the area. We hadn't seen each other in years. I started helping her out by watching her daughter for her while she worked. Then a few months later, she lost her job and needed a place to stay. Well, it was a no-brainer for Jeff and me to let her and her daughter move in with us until she got back on her feet. Well, meanwhile back at the ranch (LOL), I had been praying for the Holy Spirit to overtake her heart and allow her to accept the gospel that would change her life (she had previously shared with me how much she had been struggling with "living right"). She had talked to me about pseudo-Christians (which is really nonexistent) and how so many people were so hypocritical, and my one prayer was that God would not let any of my actions cause me to fall into that category. So, as only God could do, He orchestrated some moments of conversation between us that softened her heart and opened her ears to the gospel.

Jeff and I never wanted to bible beat her or make her come with us to gather with the saints in an effort to save her (because only the Holy Spirit can do that). We just wanted to be living epistles (2 Corinthians 3:2-3) so that she could see that God is real.

Well, she decided to come with us to the gathering this past Sunday and God saw fit that her schedule was changed so that she could be off. She shared with the saints some struggles and they ministered to her greatly. At the end, she thanked everyone and then began to share her testimony of how our lives impacted hers to want to know more about Jesus and His life changing gospel of truth. Through her tears, she said that she had been watching us closely and saw Christ in us and she was so happy that God had poured out His love on us because that freed us up to pour His love on her in a very real way. Mostly everyone was in tears at that point and we all thanked God for His grace. And I had a chance to publicly thank God for strengthening my faith and answering my prayer. It was so beautiful.

Just last week I was in a funk because I felt like my life was like a stagnated pond of water that wasn't doing anybody any good. But thanks be to God who always causes me to truimph through Christ. I now have a new outlook on life: This life is worth living :)

My Deep Dark Secret

2009-04-01T09:09:00.005-05:00

Lately, I have been feeling alone and unworthy of God's love. I have been rejecting the possibility of His unconditional, unending love for me (If you think I'm crazy, you must be a pretentious Christian). I'm just too bad. Thoughts of my past sins have crept up on me like a thief in the night to interrupt my grace reception and convince me to reject God's mercy on my soul, to try to convince me that it's highly unlikely that those sins can ever be forgiven.

So, what's a girl to do? Well, I did the only thing my spiritual paralysis would let me do: pray. I began to ask God to deliver me from the temptation to trust my fleeting thoughts over His eternal word. Then I began to repent for believing the lies Satan has so cunningly presented to me as truth (I let my guard down and forgot that I'm in a mental battle everyday of my life). I asked Him to break up the fallow ground in my heart and save me from myself (that has been my deep seated prayer as of late: "Lord, save me from myself!). And I slowly began to feel the movement in my spiritual limbs as God peeled layers of sin away from me--self-righteousness, self-pity, unforgiveness, condemnation (of myself and others), lack of gratitude, no grief for sin, lack of gratitude, and the list could stretch on for millions of miles--through His forgiveness. My realization of His goodness and mercy caused me to forgive others in my life who had wronged me and extend love and mercy to them. It was such a glorious thing!

But one of biggest struggles in life is that that glory is often short lived. I always seem to find a way back into the pit of condemnation which leads to the other sins listed above. It's been a horrible cycle that has been going on for the last 20 years. But the difference now is that I'm tired. Really tired. I don't want to keep living like this. I believe that part of my failure to succeed in this area of my life has everything to do with my lack of mutual exhortation (it was always a one way street of me exhorting others). As I've stated before, I have issues trusting people with my darkest struggles for fear of judgement and condemnation, so I would just rather sit back and condemn myself before I let someone else do it. This is so horrible...

So this blog is a feeble attempt to force myself into the next step of confessing my sin to others in hopes of receiving an outpour of love and encouragement and ultimately, healing (as stated in James 5:16). I figure if I put it out there on the world wide web, there's no turning back from it. God has graced me with a few brothers and sisters who wholeheartedly believe that according to God's precious grace, it is possible for me to get over this. They will pray for me, encourage me, and call me to the carpet if need be. Some of them even read this blog so I know that there really is no turning back after this :). If you've made it this far, thank you and please pray for me.

Building Blocks

2009-03-30T10:52:00.002-05:00

I am so glad to be back after a long break. I needed to process some stuff that will most likely be forthcoming on this blog. I have been doing a lot of listening these days and a lot less talking in hopes of learning something instead of always teaching others. And boy have I learned a lot!

The most profound thing that I've learned lately came to me yesterday in a gathering of God's people by a cool guy named Ron. Now, as far as I have experienced, Ron is one of those guys who is upfront and honest about his life and the things God has shown him whether good, bad, or indifferent. He is not shy about admitting his faults and struggles and God's revelation concerning them both in hopes that whoever is listening will glean some insight and search their own hearts about the matter. And I appreciate about my brother :) Here's what he said:

"In order to submit to God you have to trust Him. TRUST leads to SUBMISSION which leads to OBEDIENCE which leads to ACTIVELY LIVING in LOVE."

Wow. Such a simple yet profound revelation that I think we as believers tend to skip over a lot. Especially me. I will be chewing on this all week in hopes that it will penetrate the concrete brain in my head and spill over to my wicked, self-righteous heart.

There is so submission apart from trust. I have somehow tricked myself into thinking that partial trust counts...you know...trusting Him with some things instead of everything. Some of it was out of shame. Some of it out of pride. All of it out of sin. Partial trust led to partial submission which led to total frustration on my behalf. I couldn't figure out why my obedience wasn't working (meaning it was not perpetual; it was fragmented at best) and why I wasn't living in perpetual, active love. Well, after Ron shared his revelation, the lightbulb came on! I am so happy to be rescued from myself...

Wonderful Grace of Jesus

2009-03-12T09:04:00.003-05:00

As my husband and I got dressed for work this morning, our conversation shifted to the grace of God (which always such a glorious thing to talk about). We were sharing the "small graces" that God had blessed us with over this week and took some time to reflect on His faithfulness. Some of the things we covered were:

I am nothing. There is no good thought in me. God grace is sufficient and equips me with everything I need to do His will.

We must discipline our bodies (the flesh) to be subject to the will of God so that our living sacrifices can be pleasing to God (1 Corinthians 9:27 and Romans 12:1). An infinite amount of grace is available to those who desire this very thing.

We MUST trust the Holy Spirit over our own thoughts and desires. We have to let Him lead us if we are going to live by the Spirit so that we don't gratify the desires of the flesh (Galatians 5:16).

We had such a wonderful and sobering conversation. It was a simple reminder that we are nothing without the grace of our Lord. That grace is wonderful, beautiful, and glorious. The Lord put this song in my heart to sing to Him about His grace. It's a wonderful song by Michael Bleecker from The Village Church. You can get this song free from The Village Church's worship page or iTunes Podcast "Village Worship" if you'd like (which I highly recommend). Like yesterday, please take about 2 minutes to turn your eyes upon Jesus and allow the words to wash over you.

**This one's dedicated to you babe. This is the song I was talking about this morning.**

Wonderful Grace of Jesus
By Michael Bleecker

Wonderful of grace of Jesus
Greater than all my sin
How can my tongue describe it?
Where will its pace begin?
Taking away my burden
Setting my spirit free
Wonderful grace of Jesus
Reaches you and me, yeah

(Chorus)
Wonderful grace of Jesus
Deeper than the mighty rolling sea
Higher than the mountain
Sparkling like a fountain
An all sufficient grace for even me
Bigger than my sins
Greater than my shame
O magnify the precious name of Jesus
Praise His name (3x)
(That beautiful name)
Praise His name (3x)
(Lord Jesus)

Wonderful grace of Jesus
Reaching to all the lost
By it I have been pardoned
I say to the uttermost
Chains have been torn away
Giving me liberty
Wonderful grace of Jesus
Reaches you and me

(Chorus)

(Refrain)
Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of Earth
Will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace
(Repeat Refrain)

My King, Jesus

2009-03-10T08:43:00.002-05:00

A few months ago while downloading some podcast from The Village, I noticed they had some of their worship music available for downloads as well. So I decided to download that too while I was at it...and boy was I in for a treat. This little collection of songs sung by Michael Bleecker and a really sweet sounding gal are just glorious! They are raw, unmastered, and just real.

Well, Saturday I was on my way to a bridal shower, and I was listening to the CD. The Lord opened my ears to this song that nearly caused me to wreck my car. I was spellbound by the righteousness of God and His good grace. I was screaming at the top of my lungs (everyone who knows me knows I CANNOT sing) and all I could do was bow in the presence of the King (not literally of course...after all I was driving).

The song is still in my heart today. In fact, I'm listening to it right now. I decided to post the lyrics and hope you are drawn to the majesty of God through them (I'm not sure who wrote them. I tried to find it online and couldn't. I think Michael Bleecker wrote them. You can get the song from iTunes podcast under Village Worship). Take about 2 minutes to read and reread the lyrics and focus on God today. Ask Him to wash you today. I'm getting teary eyed just thinking about it...wash me God for Your glory!

Who am I, O King
That You would notice me
Maker of the stars
And depths of the sea
Nothing in my hands I bring
And only to the cross I cling
And only by Your grace I sing, yeah

My King
Jesus
Holy and righteous
You found me
You saved me from myself
For Your glory
For Your glory

Naked I look to You for dress
Helpless I look to You for grace
Dirty I run to the fountain
Wash me Savior
Wash me Savior
Wash me Savior
Wash me

What Church Do You Go To??...Part 2

2009-03-02T12:01:00.004-06:00

Alas! Here is the long awaited second dose of my first post What Church Do You Go To??

There couldn't be better timing because I have the greatest testimony to help me further illustrate what I am trying to convey--the real meaning of the church (i.e. the body of Christ).

As I stated in my first post, I became unchurched. I was sick of the what the church had become. I was tired of the masquerade, and I noticed some really huge discrepancies between the way we "do" church now and the way it looked in the bible. As far as I was concerned the church was dead. Then by God's amazing providence, I met a great guy who blogs here who challenged me to rethink the way I viewed "the church" (I'll spare you the details of many hours of reading and dialogue). He was patient and walked with me through some stuff and hooked me up with some believers in the area who led a small gathering in their home.

Desperate for God's true church and after much debate and dialogue, Jeff and I decided to visit the house church. We were immediately taken aback by the love and joy that met us at the door. Everybody grabbed a seat on a couch or chair, and the leader shared what was on his heart. Then, everybody began to share what Lord had been teaching them through the scriptures about Him, about themselves, and about His Church. We all learned something from each other that day--whether it was about God's character, how to be a better spouse, how to be a better parent, or how we should live. Needless to say...I was floored. There we were in genuine fellowship, with Jesus Christ as the head, and we the body following Him--not a pastor or a church program. This, my friends, is what the New Testament Church looked like! So we kept going because we were growing by leaps and bounds and were free to let our "love...abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight," (Philippians 1:9).

I had been praying for God to teach me more and more about His Church by His Holy Spirit, and He most certainly showed Himself strong yesterday. Here's my testimony...

We started out continuing a discussion we'd been having for a few weeks on the gifts of the Spirit. One person asked, "Is it possible to have the qualities of a gift but that not be your gift?" The answer was given,"We have different gifts, according to the grace given us (Romans 12:6) and all these [gifts] are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he gives them to each one, just as he determines (1 Corinthians 12:11). Things were seemingly going great when our leader sensed the Holy Spirit shifting the discussion away from the gifts and on to marriage. He asked, "Can a person truly function in their gift in the gathering if they are not functioning in their gift at home with their spouse and children?" Hmmmm...."Absolutely not!" I chimed in, "that would be hypocrisy" (see Matthew 15:6-8 and 1 Timothy 5:8 ...I am well aware the context of the verse is talking about physical needs but one cannot argue that it goes for all needs--including spiritual/emotional ). "Exactly!" said our leader. Then, he and his wife began to share some of their marital struggles...then the floodgates opened and many people began to share their marital struggles while others encouraged and comforted them through the scriptures. The Holy Spirit was up to something. Then, one couple brought a very sensitive issue before the church, and God spoke a word directly to me to give to the husband (I fought with everything in me not to say it because I felt like I was in no position to tell somebody else what "thus says the Lord." My spiritual gift is exhortation...not prophecy.

After I could no longer quench the Holy Spirit's unctioning, I just said it. Then, another brother said the Spirit was telling him the same thing. The other brothers and sisters then encouraged the husband to listen to what the Lord told us to say. We were on one accord. [Everything that follows is Jeff and my 20/20 hindsight spin on what happened. We talked about it extensively on the way home]. After that a small silence filled the room, and I felt that we should pray. Jeff felt the need to pray as well, but as he was opening his mouth, another sister began to pray, then another, then another, then another...and with tears flowing down many faces, we prayed for God to give our brother and sister in Christ clarity on their situation. We repented of sin and begged God to heal our marriages. We were all on one accord. After prayer, there was a small silence. Jeff had a song in his heart that he was singing in his head (a song that one of the sisters had sang a couple of weeks prior). At that moment, another sister asked the songbird, "Can you lead us in "Holy, Holy, Holy?" And we closed our meeting, lifting up the God of the heavens with praise from our lips. It was beautiful. We were on one accord. After our meeting, we shared in communion and fellowship with one another for a little while.

But we started out talking about spiritual gifts.

That is the beauty of the Holy Spirit. He knows what we need and He wants to give it to us; but we must be willing and eager to follow Him to that place. We would not have been able to do that with a program or an agenda. Nor would be have been able to do that if our leader showed up and delivered a 3-5 point sermon while we took notes. Our leader is not our head. Christ is. We follow Christ.

Our discussion came full circle. The Holy Spirit decided that He could show us better than we could discuss it. We experienced mercy, exhortation, teaching, prophesying, and serving (just to name a few) all in one gathering. Our abstract lesson on spiritual gifts became real and concrete right before our eyes because we let the Holy Spirit lead us (instead of us trying to lead Him). He even took a question directly from our discussion and answered it before our eyes, "Is it possible to have the qualities of a gift but that not be your gift?" The answer: You don't even have to have the qualities for Him to give grace for the moment to carry out God's will. I am certainly not a prophetess nor do I possess the qualities of one. But He gave me grace for the moment just as He determined.

So the answer to the title question is: Christ is the bridegroom. I am a part of the bride. Christ is the head. I am a part of the body. The body is a living organism, not a dead organization or an institution. I don't go to church. I am the church!

My Personal Nemesis: Doing To Death

2009-02-27T09:39:00.006-06:00

This is a double edged sword for me. I am the most out of balance person I know. I never tend to float moderately; I am always on either extreme. I am a doer. I love to help others in anyway I can, but this poses a small (no, rather large) problem for me. Often times I am so wired, doing stuff for people all day (sometimes for weeks at a time) that I crash and burn at the end of each day. On the other hand, I go through seasons when I won't do anything for anybody including myself (these seasons usually follow the previously mentioned). I just sit on the couch or in my bed in a somber, meloncholy state--just staring into the air wishing someone would come and rescue me from myself.

None of this is fruitful; someone always suffers. And it's usually me. This cycle is killing me--spiritually that is...

A couple of days ago I had a breakdown. Thankfully, my husband and some wonderful sisters in Christ were able to build me up and enable to see the error in my ways. And that was good. But what was even better was me putting John 14:26 into action. The Holy Spirit taught me that I need to practice solitude on a regular basis--not in a mountain high/valley low fashion but consistent, frequent intervals. Now, this was exciting to hear because this is my true personality anyway. However, I was "rebuked" some time ago for not serving enough and I guess I went overboard (see my previous post). I came across a few scriptures concerning Jesus and solitude, and it blessed my socks off!

It's okay to say no...in fact I have to say no sometimes if I want to grow in God. Well, if you were planning to call/text/hang out with me Saturday between 7am and 5pm--don't...because I'll be at the feet of the Master :)

To Listen Or Not To Listen: Practical Sermons

2009-02-24T08:54:00.006-06:00

I know I'm supposed to be doing a continuation of "What Church Do You Go To???" but I keep musing about other stuff in between :) So, with that said, here's my latest musing:

I am going to visit John 14:26 again. I know, I know...I've mentioned this scripture in several of the latest posts; however, my head seems to be made of cement so I will keep musing about it until it sinks in.

The Holy Spirit will teach you ALL things (how many is included in all? Thanks Blackaby) and will remind you of everything I have said to you.

I am drilling this into my head as an effort to detach myself from practical sermons. I love a step by step, how-to manual style sermon. Tell me the text then tell me how it applies to my life. No work on my part--no study, no prayer, no reliance on the Holy Spirit. But the problem with that is it makes for a very impotent Christian. Practical sermons rob the Holy Spirit of the chance to teach us how HE would have us respond to the Scriptures. I'll be the first to agree that there is a general code of conduct in the Scriptures for all Christians that is governed by love, but only the Holy Spirit can teach me how to apply that code to my life.

For example, all of us are to flee from sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18). That is a part of the general code of conduct. However, the way that plays out in my life may be totally different than someone else's. I have a friend who has battled this so badly in her past that she cannot even watch a movie where the actors are kissing or caressing each other passionately. The Holy Spirit has taught her that that is how she should apply the Scripture to her life.

But back to square one. Practical sermons. Pastors are better off teaching the Scriptures and letting the Holy Spirit teach the people how they should apply it to their lives. We run the risk of trivializing and minimizing His power, creativity, and majesty when we boil His works down to a 3-5 point sermon of application. At best, all it does is teach us to see Him as a static character (Please don't be offended by my use of the word character. I am an English teacher, so I like to look at the Bible as literature, which has improved my study exponentially. I am well aware of His reality). At worst, it causes us to miss out on the wonderful depth of insight and knowledge He brings to us from the Father. After all, He's the Inside Man! Everything He speaks comes straight from the Father (John 16:13)!

Now, I'm not saying that all practical sermons are bad (some of them are because they fail to glorify God above all else). All I'm saying is don't rely on them as a replacement of the teaching of the Holy Spirit. It's okay to listen to how the Lord has spoken to someone about how the scripture should apply to their life, but it is not okay to trust their teaching over the Holy Spirit's (In the case of the friend stated above, her pastor teaches that mild romantic scenes are okay for Christians to watch. That may be true for many, but not for people who have struggled like her). The Holy Spirit has dealt with me so heavily on this that I had to muse about it publicly. So, no more practical sermon overload. Trust the Spirit to teach you all things and remind you of everything that Christ has said.

I love you all =)

The Cliff's Notes On Lessons in Love

2009-02-19T08:27:00.006-06:00

The Holy Spirit. The Father sent Him in the name of Jesus Christ to teach us all things and remind us of everything Christ has said to us (John 14:26). My life has changed ever since I've learned the importance of this truth. Man doesn't teach, he just conveys the message. The Holy Spirit is the only One who can help me understand spiritual truth. It has to be the Holy Spirit because this stuff is far fetched to the natural man. It goes against everything my flesh wants to be and do.

With that said...

If you know me or have been reading this blog, you have seen me mention how much I lack discipline. The lion's share of my life has been devoted to doing whatever I want, when I want, and how I want with no regard to authority or submission...so naturally, this caused me MAJOR problems in my walk with God (often times He was walking, and I was waaaaaaay on the sideline somewhere in disobedience). So after becoming a real student of Scripture and allowing the Teacher to lead me to obedience, I realized I have a problem with "the greatest of these."

So here are the Cliff's Notes on love...

What is love?
God is love (1 John 4:16)

Where does love come from?
God (1 John 4:7)

Love is an action word.
If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. 1 John 3:17-18

How do we know if God's love is truly in us?
If we are obeying His Word (1 John 2:5).

Love is life.
We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death. (1 John 3:14).

The greatest benefit of love?
You are born of God: God lives in you and you in Him (1 John 4:7-8, 16)

What does love look like?
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love does not envy.
Love does not boast.
Love is not proud.
Love is not rude.
Love is not self-seeking.
Love is not easily angered.
Love keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects.
Love always trusts (oooh...big one for me...pray for me...)
Love always hopes.
Love always perseveres.
Love never fails.

(1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

**Note to the reader: ALWAYS and NEVER are nonnegotiable**

What Church Do You Go To??

2009-02-18T13:55:00.003-06:00

This is a question that I have been asked almost everyday of my life. As I encounter new people (if you talk to me long enough you will hear about my Jesus) and they figure out I'm a Christian, they always seem to slide that into the conversation.

If you asked me that between 1988 and 1995, the answer you got was:
God's Will Missionary Baptist Church (sorry they don't have a website)

If you asked me that between 1995 and 2005, the answer you got was:
Franklin Avenue Baptist Church

If you asked me that between 2005 and 2008, the answer you got was:
Friendship West Baptist Church
Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship
Fellowship Church
Unchurched

If you clicked on those sites, you can track the progression of my search for a biblically functioning church where we could grow and experience God. The first church listed was the church I grew up in as a child. It's a small, black church out in East Texas where the pastor calls the text, revs up the rising action to a whoop-tastic climax, and slowly deflates to the Resurrection story--and this was every sermon. Humble beginnings to say the least. Then, we moved back to New Orleans and joined the second church where I really learned about the person of Christ, whom I would eventually come to accept at the tender (well not so tender after all the stuff I had been through by that time) age of 16. Here is where my foundation was laid and I was discipled.

Fast forward through the muck and mire of Hurricane Katrina, and I find myself in Dallas, TX (affectionately known as the "belt buckle" of the Bible Belt). Dallas is like a smorgasbord for a churchgoer. There are literally thousands of churches in the area. So, why was it so hard for me to find a church I could call home?

I longed for a place where the Bible would be taught and God would be exalted above all else. One thing that all the churches I went to had in common was the exaltation of the senior pastor. Sure they preached God is God, but they walked as if they were God. All of the churches were nice--beautiful edifices, loving people, great ministries--yet the Bible wasn't taught and God wasn't exalted. All of the sermons were practical in nature ("Here's how you live out this Christian principle" or "Here is what ________________ looks like") instead of proclaiming the Word and allowing the Holy Spirit to teach the people (John 14:26). And the exaltation of man made me sick to my stomach (Pastor and Wife Anniversary, pastor being the head of the church, untouchable, unpersonable, and revered by the people in a godlike fashion).

So, I left the church altogether (in terms of membership) and just visited around. Everywhere I went, I found the same thing. So then I became unchurched...until a good friend of mine (who blogs here) walked me through the Scriptures and challenged me to overthrow tradition for truth and live John 14:26.

So...what church do I go to?? Stay tuned to find out...

Tag: My Man

2009-02-12T15:19:00.003-06:00

I've been tagged.

The Game of Tag about your MAN:

1. Who is your man? Jeffery Martin
2. How long have you been together? 4.5 years married; 8 years total
3. How long dated? 3.5 years
4. How old is your man? 25
5. Who eats more? Well, him lately since he’s been trying to gain weight :)
6. Who said "I love you" first? He did :)
7. Who is taller? What’s funny is we are the exact same height...
8. Who sings better? We are both equally horrible! (the Lord said make a joyful noise, not a beautiful noise :P)
9. Who is smarter? I have the college degree, but he’s the genius. His mind is so beautiful and he can grasp concepts that I can only dream about…
10. Whose temper is worse? LOL…him by far!
11. Who does the laundry? I do most of the time...but he helps out when I am being lazy.
12. Who takes out the garbage? He does most of the time.
13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? We switch every few months…currently he does (if you’re facing the bed).
14. Who pays the bills? Me (with his money :).
15. Who is better with the computer? Fixing it? Him Typing? Him Surfing the ‘net? Me
16. Who mows the lawn? Robert (the lawn man…hubby burned the lawn mower out).
17. Who cooks dinner? Me
18. Who drives when you are together? Hands down Jeff…unless he has just spent himself playing drums for several services)
19. Who pays when you go out? Him because I love the chivalry of Him footing the billJ
20. Who is most stubborn? He would say me. I would say him. Go figure…
21. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? Him…I’m never wrong (just kidding)
22. Whose parents do you see the most? Both equally. We live 500 miles from home…
23. Who kissed who first? He stole a kiss from me when I was dropping him off after hanging out together. He stole it because he though I would slap him…lol
24. Who asked who out? I kinda told him he had to take me out. Most people don’t know this but we had our first date before we were dating…hehehehe
25. Who proposed? Jeff did so beautifully!
26. Who is more sensitive? Hmmmm…hands down…me
27. Who has more friends? Me, but we're both homebodies.
28. Who has more siblings? Jeff
29. Who wears the pants in the family? Jeff...and I gracefully and humbly submit :)

I love my man…

Faith In Action For The Sake of The Gospel

2009-02-09T13:15:00.000-06:00

What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, "Go in peace, be warmed and filled," without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.
James 2:14-17

I have recently been challenged in this area. Really challenged. I've been examining myself lately to see if I'm in the faith (see 2 Corinthians 13:5). I asked God to show me where my walk wasn't lining up with my talk---and the Holy Spirit led me to the passage of scripture above. Who in my life is in need? How am I helping them? He showed me there were two people in my life who needed more than just a, "Girl, I'm praying for you..." which is what they had been getting from me. And at that moment I realized my faith was dead.

Those gals needed physical help. They needed shelter, food, clothes, and money. And I was passing out prayers like free samples from Sam's. While the prayers may have been helping them a little bit, it was not providing the immediate relief they needed (just like if you go to Sam's hungry and pick up a sample you will not be fully relieved of your hunger).

My life has been changed for the sake of the gospel. Jeff and I have moved one gal in with us, and we financially support the other. It has been hard for me to change my plans. If you know me, you know I am not a very organized person. I just started developing and somewhat sticking to a schedule and budget, and now it has been blown...but for the sake of the gospel.

I can think of million reasons why I couldn't help these gals or didn't have time to. I, like many of you, have a lot of stuff going on in my life. I am a young wife who's still trying to figure this whole marriage thing out. I am a young teacher who is still trying to figure out how to manage a classroom full of high school students who are more grown than me and could care less about an education while trying to plan lessons that will be successful in teaching them how to read. I have to cook, clean, wash clothes, visit family, make time for friends, fix up my house, save money, pay off debt, and the list goes on...All of these things are good. In fact, some of them are great. But none of them have any bearings on my faith. None of them advance the cause of the gospel.

I am a rather-be-alone-in-my-room-reading-a-book-minding-my-own-business-than-living-out-in-the-world kind of person, but the Holy Spirit is not comfortable with that. He'd rather be on the mission that Christ sent Him for, and if He's living in me that means I gotta go too.

If He's in you, I guess I'll see ya around out there...

The Blessing of Abraham

2009-02-06T08:31:00.004-06:00

We've all been guilty of listening to Christian radio and singing the songs from the playlist without even considering their meaning. I mean after all it is on a Christian station, so surely it can be trusted right? My husband and I were discussing this very topic with some friends of ours a couple of weeks ago. We talked about how so many "gospel" songs are missing the essence of the gospel itself. Many of the songs are man-centered and their chief claim is that God is good because He blesses us, and that's the culmination of His existence. Other songs don't even mention God or Jesus but are self-help in nature (meaning they encourage one to rely on their own goodness as an object of glory and honor). And some songs are just out right antagonistic to the gospel.

I was recently at a church service and the choir sang a song that was seemingly harmless but upon further study of the gospel I found to be totally unbiblical. I had heard this song several times before and even sang it on a few occasions when it came on the radio in the car. The chorus goes something like this.

You are the seed
By faith believe
The blessing of Abraham
It's your inheritance
Get your inheritance

This lyric is in direct conflict with Galatians 3:16

"Now the promises were spoken to Abraham and to his seed He does not say, "And to seeds," as referring to many, but rather to one, "And to your seed," that is, Christ. "

We are NOT the seed spoken of in that promise. JESUS IS!! Our inheritance has nothing to do with earthly possessions but everything to do with adoption into the family of God. The rest of that song talks about the promises of health and wealth as a result of being the seed of Abraham. That's the inheritance that the song talks about (health and wealth) not the glory of the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Paul wrote a letter to the Galatians because they had apparently let someone come in and teach them a different gospel (which is really no gospel at all says chapter 1 verse 7). Apparently, we are suffering from that same infiltration today in pulpits, choir stands, and radiowaves all across America.

Be careful about the things you listen to that bear the name of the gospel. Thoroughly check them out to make sure they are not maligning the Word of God. Don't make the mistake I made and assume just because it's on Christian radio and sold in Christian stores that it is rightly bearing the name of the good news of Jesus Christ.

Happy Birthday, Honey!

2009-02-03T09:17:00.002-06:00

To My Turtle Brownie a la Mode,

Today is your 25th birthday. I have had the pleasure of celebrating this special day with you for the last 10 years. I have had the unique pleasure of celebrating with you as your "homegirl," then your friend, then your fiance, and as your wife. It has been wonderful to watch you grow from a timid boy to a godly man. I've watched God move by His Holy Spirit in your life and give you strength to persevere, develop patience for your understanding, and pour out love to share with everyone you've ever met.

Your sweetness has been my treasure, and your chivalry has softened my rough edges. You have stood with me when all others faded away. You have supported me and held me up when I was too weak to do it myself. You have dedicated your life to loving me so that all the world can get a glimpse of the mystery of the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ. And I thank you.

So on this day, your birthday, I honor you. God handpicked this day for those who love you to celebrate you. Today I join in with the rest of your family and friends to say I love you and

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Driving

2009-01-29T11:37:00.002-06:00

Is it just me or does anybody else get upset when you're driving, you let someone over, and they don't do the "courtesy wave?" Man, that gets under my skin! This happened to me this morning on my way to work (and it has been happening a lot lately). But why do I really want them to give me the wave? So that they can acknowledge that I'm being nice and letting them over. Why do I need acknowledgement? Because my flesh wants to be glorified in any way it can.

I asked God to refine me and help me to be more sensitive to my sin...

John Piper Ruined My Prayer Life

2009-01-29T11:23:00.001-06:00

That's right. You heard me. John Piper ruined my prayer life.

I've been doing a lot of writing about prayer lately (mainly because it's been one of my struggles for a long time). I am not a very disciplined person and really didn't have to be as a child, so as you can imagine, becoming an adult was hard for me. I would argue that prayer is the most important spiritual discipline we can develop as believers. It's the means by which we access the Father and receive the power to be obedient to the Word. Unfortunately, I have not been able to become consistently fruitful in my prayer life. My prayers were scattered all over the place and had absolutely nothing to do with glorifying God and everything to do with glorifying me. I talked about this in a recent post and found that the remedy for that is to pray God's Word. In addition to that, I recently heard a sermon by John Piper that rocked the socks off my prayer life.

Piper points out that the main purpose for prayer is to glorify God. Period. But he delves into three scriptures that give us insight from the mouth of Christ as to how we can fulfill that purpose. Here's what I learned...

1.) John 14:13-14 The "whatever" in this verse is qualified by the "so that the Son may bring glory to the Father." Whatever doesn't mean "whatever I want to fulfill my fleshly desires." I should be asking for more compassion, love, humility, patience, etc., not rambling off a list of material things. Can I ask for material things? Well, yeah...IF and only IF they will advance the cause of Christ, which glorifies the Father in heaven.

2.) John 15:7-8 Remaining in Christ and His words remaining in me is the means to answered prayer; bearing much fruit is the end. It's so important to remember the remaining. Jesus said if His words remain in me I can ask whatever I wish. If His words remain in me, I am in His will, and will pray His Word, and in turn will bear much fruit (which ultimately glorifies the Father in heaven). Will His words remain in me to the point where all of my prayers will be answered yes? No, because I don't live in a perfect world and am affected by my own sin daily. Should that stop me from trying? Absolutely not!

3.) John 16:23-24 My joy will be complete (some translations say "full" instead of "complete") if I am glorifying God. As a Christian, the fullness of my joy is dependent upon how much I am glorifying the Father in heaven. And nothing glorifies God more than dependence on Christ. Every prayer I pray MUST be through Christ. He is THE only way to the Father in heaven (John 14:6). God won't even hear of us unless we are coming through the Son. It's not about God being narcissistic. It's about Him loving us so much that He saves us from ourselves by giving us depth of joy instead of shallow happiness, and He knows that can only be found when we are glorifying HIM.

God is so gracious to give us instruction and the grace to carry it out. So I close with this: Thank you John Piper for ruining my prayer life to the glory of God.

Ted Haggard on Oprah

2009-01-28T16:36:00.003-06:00

I am deeply hurt. Another Christian bites the dust on international television. Ted Haggard, a former evangelical pastor of a Colorado megachurch, was caught in a homosexual/drug related scandal in 2006 and has since been excommunicated from the church as pastor. He decided to go on Oprah today to speak out for the first time about the scandal and bring closure to old wounds (I think his ulterior motive is to promote his new documentary on HBO), and he has fell into what I call "The Oprah Trap." Whenever Oprah has Christians on the show, she makes a point to show how weak and unlearned they are in their faith. She challenges them on topics that are cultural hot buttons, and they always cave in and refuse to rightly identify sin and join her in exalting self above God.

I am blogging as I'm watching, and Ted Haggard has yet to identify his struggles as sin. When asked is he gay he says no. When asked is he straight he says no. He says he is a heterosexual with issues. WHAT?! Oprah keeps trying to make him justify his homosexuality and he falls far enough into her trap to justify it but stays further enough away to claim a portion of his spirituality. Oprah says God accepts people for who they are. Ted agrees. WHAT?! Ted does not take full responsibility for his sin. In fact, he has yet to actually call it sin. He just said his fault doesn't lie in his homosexuality but in the fact that he lied about it. WHAT?! This guy is justifying sexual confusion as if it's okay.

He just likened homosexuality to divorce. He says that both are ideals of God but the reality is they both exist. Is he insinuating that we should accept both because that's just the nature of this fallen world? When, O when people of God are we going to STAND UP and STAND OUT????

I am really angry about this dude. This is sad. Another one bites the dust...

My Worship

2009-01-22T08:54:00.003-06:00

Hey all!

I feel like such a spoof. I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks, and I haven't liked it one bit. Well, I am back, refreshed, and ready to discourse (possibly with myself because not many people comment on the blog). I've been in the trenches lately. Just plain old down and out about the things of Christ. But a conversation with a very good friend this past Friday helped me to see where my real problem was. I was failing to worship.

I heard someone define worship like this:

Worship is continuously living our lives individually and corporately as living
sacrifices to the glory of a person or thing.

I am well aware that worship is not just what we do at church or the worship songs we sing on our daily commute (although both of those most certainly qualify). Worship is a lifestyle. It's doing/living everything that God has commanded us to do that will ultimately bring glory to Him and joy to us--loving others, caring for the poor, discipling new Christians, spreading the gospel to non-Christians, loving/respecting our spouse, etc.

I was very reluctant to ask myself about this because I was afraid of the answer (being honest here). But the Holy Spirit convicted me so I asked myself

To whom or what was I continuously sacrificing my life for?
Who or what is getting the glory for my sacrifice?

Of course my knee jerk reaction is to say that I direct my worship to the only One who is worthy to be worshiped: God the Father, through the Lord Jesus Christ, by the power of the Holy Spirit. Theoretically, that's correct. But the problem with theory is that it can be disproved by fact.

So I set out to see if my theory was true. I began keeping a log of my time (because time is a clear indicator of where one's worship lies)--and quite frankly what I saw was frightening. I realized that I had no regard for the ongoing living sacrifice which is my reasonable act of worship (Romans 12:1). Here is what I noticed about myself:

1. I failed to "be busy at home" (Titus 2:5). My job as a wife is to keep the house. Over the last two weeks (although they were unusual for our family), I failed to clean, do laundry, and cook as I should have. I chose to put other things before my duties and gave myself the convenient excuse of being "too tired" to complete those things as I normally do.

2. I failed to submit to my husband (Ephesians 5:22). Ladies, when we submit to Christ, we don't have a problem submitting to our husbands. I had to come to the harsh realization that I was not submitting to Christ. I failed to serve my husband and respect as I should have. It all boiled down to my failure to serve Christ and allow Him to wash me with the water of the Word.

3. I failed to live by the Spirit (Galatians 5:16-18). Because I failed at this one, I failed at the others and many more that I don't have time to list on this blog. I chose to gratify the desires of my flesh. I chose to grieve the Holy Spirit by being a reservoir of anger, gossip, and lack of compassion. I chose to glorify myself instead of God.

I am quite ashamed of all of these things, and pride almost kept me from reflecting on my behavior so that I could come to repentance. There are many different forms and objects of worship, but there is only one true way of worship: in spirit and in truth. In retrospect, my worship was in flesh and in lies. I wanted to hold tight to my theory (as stated earlier) and live under the pretenses which would have been a continuation of me gratifying the desires of the flesh. Repentance is in order. I'll talk to you later.

Breath of Freshness

2009-01-14T13:13:00.005-06:00

Hey all!

I just received the biggest breathe of freshness ever concerning prayer. A few days ago, I was cleaning house and talking to the Lord. I was saying my usual, "Thank you for my husband...my family...my job...help me do this...bring me through that...give me this...bless me...blah, blah, blah..."

I immediately felt this strange sensation like God had put in His ear plugs and wasn't listnening to anything I was saying.

I didn't pray for a few days after that. I didn't want to feel that feeling again, and I was too afraid to ask God what that feeling was really all about. But God, being true to the way He has always dealt with me, providentally led me to restart my Believeing God book...and what do you know, Beth starts talking about a time in her life when she felt like God was bored with her prayers. My antenna went up. And people let me tell ya...I got the biggest ephiphany my prayer life had ever seen in that moment!

God was tired of my "me" centered prayers and wanted me to realize that prayer
was not about him satistisfying me but me glorifying HIM.

I was not glorifying God with my prayers. I wasn't thanking Him out of the reflection of His great grace, I doing it because "that's what Christians are supposed to do." The truth of the matter is I hadn't really reflected on God's grace in months (I was too busy, but that's another blog). I had been stuck in an endless cycle of some prayer formula that I had learned in my youth without ever giving thought to what I was actually saying or why I was actually saying it. I became sick of myself.

Beth preceded to say how she began to pray the scriptures and watch the living, powerful word of God pierce her prayer life and spring it to life [I'm paraphrasing here. She used Hebrews 4:12 as her bedrock], and I thought This has got to be the best way to pray. No more praying selfish, mundane, powerless prayers with words of feeble desires. No more wondering if my prayer is in God's will or not. No more wondering if God is reaching for His ear plugs when He sees me kneeling or cleaning my house.

Praying God's Word is praying with power. It is alive and active, it's smack dab in the center of God's will, and it is bound to wake up the old, dry bones of your dead prayer life.

As I asked God to search my heart "as I do not know how to pray as I should" (Romans 8:26), His Spirit led me to Ephesians 3:16-19 and Colossians 3:2, 12, 16-17. And I close with this prayer for my life written by inspiration of the sweet Holy Spirit (If you'd like, I would really appreciate the prayers of the saints who will pray this prayer on my behalf, too):

Father, strengthen me with power through Your Spirit in my inner [wo]man according to the riches of Your glory, so that Christ may dwell in my heart through faith. Father, help me to be rooted and established in love so that I may have power to grasp how wide and long, and high and deep the love of Christ is that I may be filled to the measure of all the fulness of God. Lord, help me to set my mind on things above; not on earthly things. Help me to clothe myself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Help me to walk in this truth: I do all things, word or deed, in the name of Christ, giving thanks through Him to You, God the Father. In Jesus' name, Amen.

I love you all and I thank you for praying this prayer over me.

...Do What It Says

2009-01-13T15:03:00.008-06:00

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it
says.
James 1:22

I can't tell you how many times I have glossed over this verse in a pious effort to get to the "deeper things" in the book of James. I made a b-line to the teachings of wisdom, faith and works, and that good ole tongue!

The deep things of God. I want to go there. I want to go to the next dimension, the next level, a deeper level, a higher height, a ___________ (fill in the blank with whatever euphemism you've made up to describe depth in God). But I have yet to get there because I have been drowning in the shallow of the folly instead of the deep, which is nothing more than the simple yet powerful truths of God.

I am so guilty of listening to the word and deceiving myself. There are times when pride will puff up so big in me that I will go weeks without "doing what it says," but won't miss a day rebuking or encouraging someone else with it. During those proud moments, I get checked at night when I'm alone with God and my thoughts. I will literally feel Him call me to repentance, and I'll put it off until the next day saying, "I need to be more alert and in 'prayer mode' before He'll take me seriously..." What the heck is that about??? How many of you know that tomorrow never comes (literally and figuratively in this case).

I wake up the next day (and the next, and the next) with deception tethered to me like white on rice, moving on to rebuke and encourage the next person God "places in my path." Isn't this ridiculous? I'm red with embarrassment as I write this. I'm even tempted to delete the whole thing all together in an effort to keep up my pious appearance to all those who know me. But I'm not. As I told you before, this blog is home to my struggles, etc. And I assume that if you are walking with me, you don't want the fluff anyway ;)

Being Aware

2009-01-06T11:14:00.005-06:00

Study time today was very interesting. I was reminded of how serious the Bible is of teachers of false doctrine. I’m not saying that I didn’t think of it as a serious issue before, I’m saying that after studying today this issue just seemed super important all over again. I’ve realized all over again that there are some who preach the gospel for all the wrong reasons. As well as, the fact that what some preach is not the gospel at all. The great thing I’ve seen is that the bible is very clear on that.

There are some who preach for the benefit of money. Paul says in 2 Cor.2:17a (NIV) Unlike so many, we do not peddle the word of God for profit.

The bible also speaks of some who will just make up stories and fool the naive. 2 Peter 2:2-3a (NIV) Many will follow their shameful ways and will bring the way of truth into disrepute. 3 In their greed these teachers will exploit you with stories they have made up.

I have realized again the importance of being aware of false prophets, and teachers, the importance of knowing the difference between true doctrine and that which is false. I know not to accept a false doctrine from anyone, no matter what their status, or position. Paul says in Galatians 1:8( NIV), "But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach to you a gospel other than what we have preached to you, a curse be on him." In other words it doesn’t matter how bright, or majestic, sweet, or smooth, big or small. Any other doctrine delivered other than that of scripture is wrong, and it is my job to acknowledge it as so.

The importance of study has been carved into my brain yet again. The assurance of knowing the true and living Lord has comforted my heart once more. Christ says, “Why do you call Me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and don’t do the things I say? I will show you what someone is like who comes to Me, hears My words, and acts on them: He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. When the flood came, the river crashed against that house and couldn’t shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears and does not act is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The river crashed against it, and immediately it collapsed. And the destruction of that house was great!” Luke 6:46-49 (HCSB)

Regeneration vs. Transformation

2009-01-03T09:53:00.002-06:00

"Transformation does not happen overnight. Our regeneration is instantaneous, but our transformation is continuous."

I pulled this directly from the Nelson Study Bible. I thought it was worth repeating. And here's what I make of it:

"Regeneration is what happens at the onset of the Holy Spirit. Transformation is the continual evidence that the onset occurred. "

Salvation isn't a magical feeling nor is it tethered to a specific type of experience. It changes you spiritually first, and then the fruit of that salvation is seen in your transformation. Don't look for a circus show, fireworks, or any other form of instant holiness. Just keep your mind focused on the truth of your faith and let sanctification take it's life long course :)

Behold, The Lamb of God

2009-01-03T08:25:00.003-06:00

I love John's account of the gospel of Jesus Christ. There is something about the way He speaks of Christ that commands my undivided attention. His gospel is simply written, yet packed with the boldness and power that introduces the second Person of the Trinity (John Piper has the best teaching on John's gospel that I have ever heard and you can get it free by clicking here. Just do a search for the series).

The one phrase that stands out to me in the gospel is:

"Behold! The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!" (John 1:29)

I can hear the excitement in John's (the Baptist) voice when He said those words as He saw Jesus approaching. Imagine being the forerunner of God Himself, and while you're preparing the way of the Christ (whom you have never met), you look up to see Him on the horizon and you immediately recognize Him. What a glorious sight indeed!

But I can really imagine John's (the disciple) excitement as he wrote these words in his gospel. He knew Jesus well. He was the "beloved disciple," Jesus's BFF! He had spent three years walking with, learning from, serving with, rejoicing with, suffering with, and praying with the Lord Jesus Christ. He was even front and center on Golgatha and witnessed the taking away of sin. So, when he wrote, "Behold! The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!" I can almost hear him saying,

"Friends, this is what the good news is all about! Look! Behold the Lamb! Behold Jesus Christ, the radiance of God's glory, who is going to take away our sin so that we can have peace with the Father!"

I join with both Johns today in beholding the Lamb. As I shift into 2009, I don't know what's ahead. But I enter in beholding the Lamb of God. I enter in asking God to renew my awe for such a priceless act of kindness. I enter in asking God to help me see and savor Jesus Christ, the One and Only so that I may bear witness to Him and bring glory to His name.

In view of God's mercy, I will behold His beautiful, wonderful, mighty Lamb.

Prayer?

2008-12-29T21:45:00.003-06:00

These days prayer seems to be for everyone but me. I go to the Father on behalf of others because they are in desperate need of relief, support, grace, forgiveness, understanding, wisdom, and justice.

I pray hard, too. Sometimes, I even pray to the point of tears because I am so passionate about God revealing his glory to others.

I love praying for others. It makes me feel great to see answered prayer in their lives or to see them strengthened by the prayers I pray to the Father on their behalf. But when I try to pray for myself, I get this strange feeling of selfishness and think, "There are so many people in your life who you should be praying for right now. Stop being so self-centered and start praying for others."

There are several areas in which I need prayer. Several. But I'm having a hard time reconciling spending time in prayer on my own behalf. I know, I know...it sounds crazy, but this is where I am right now. I'm trying desperately to break this ridiculous train of thought. I wish it derails.

An All Too Familiar Snapshot of Grace

2008-12-21T23:25:00.002-06:00

I met a new friend recently.

His wife walked out on him.
Said she didn't want to be married anymore.
Said she had to go.
Didn't want to be married anymore.
Was tired of the same old same old.
And she left.

Oh, how my heart filled with pain and and sorrow once again.
Mmmmmm, it seems like it was yesterday.
I can barely stand it.
The pain is still so fresh.
It's still so real...

I was that woman two years ago.

I left my husband.
Walked straight out the door with no intentions of coming back.
Mad at my husband.
Mad at the church.
Mad at God.

Didn't they see this coming?
How come nobody noticed the pain I was feeling?
Why didn't anybody try to stop me?
Save me from myself!

My heart was far from God.
No longer available to be used to the glory of a God who would allow me to fail--miserably.

But grace.

It came by one day.
Snatched me up.
Held me close.
Renewed my strength.
Made me whole.
Thank you, Lord.

I went back home.
To arms wide open.
To forgiveness.
To mercy.
To love.

"Do it for them God," I begged.
"Just like you did it for me.
"Let God be true and every man a liar (Romans 3:4)"
"Grace WILL abound!"

All night long.
All morning long.
Praying.
Pleading.
Begging.
Thinking.

I talked to my friend today.
God is true.
God is not a liar.
Grace did abound.

A Different Snapshot of Grace

2008-12-20T21:04:00.003-06:00

All things considered...life has been pretty good for me. I haven't had the best life (by far), and I have endured my fair share of pain. But even in the midst of it all I must say it's been good. There have been times when I didn't get exactly what I wanted, but I can honestly say that I've never gone without a need. God has truly extended much more grace than I deserve, and there have been times when I've taken that grace for granted. I don't know how I'm sitting through this post without tears streaming down my face (I pray daily for sensitivity) because grace has been that good to me.

I am all too familiar with God's grace in my own life, but not too well versed in His grace in the lives of others. I'm guilty of not being a good servant, of not washing feet. Before today, I couldn't tell you the last time I really served someone who didn't really need it. I realized how much I had missed the mark after re-reading the life of Christ and prayed for God to show me some opportunities. The next day a friend of mine asked if I wanted to go out and serve the people in Downtown Dallas who have no home, family, and seemingly, no grace.

When we got there, I just kept thinking, "What did these people do to make God so angry with them that they ended up like this--far from His grace?" But after talking to many of them, serving them, and even giving one lady the shoes off my feet, I saw a different snapshot of grace.

How dare I measure God's grace with what I considered the basic standard of living?

And then it hit me...

These people are in a better position to see God's grace in their lives than I am. They don't have any of the glitz and glamour to steal their affections from God. They don't have to fight against any feeble attempts of self-sufficiency because they realize that their selves aren't sufficient. All they have is the clothes on their backs, hope in their hearts, and faith that God's grace is sufficient. Even though they may have made some bad decisions that resulted in them being on the streets, by the grace of God they're still here. It was amazing to hear them talk about that grace, and I am forever changed as a result.

Thank you citizens of Dallas for teaching me about God's grace. You've humbled me. I have a long way to go. I plan to make regular visits with you so that I can continue to learn. I love you, and I commit to praying for you and loving you. Keep showing the world God's grace.

Introducing...

2008-12-17T17:19:00.004-06:00

I would like to take this time to introduce another author to this blog. I know this person well. We have been friends for 10 years. I have witnessed this person grow from a shy, quiet, unassuming adolescent to a bold, God-fearing, awesome adult. In fact, if it weren't for this person, I would not know the God of our salvation. They've always treated me with love and grace and have taught me a lot about what it means to be a true Christian. I like to "chop it up" with this person often about the Scriptures, and I could just sit under their tutelage for days on end, learning how to interpret the scriptures and rightly divide the Word of Truth.

But as wonderful as this person is, they too have musings streaming from their regenerate heart about the struggles of this walk with Christ. So it is indeed my pleasure to introduce to you, none other than my wonderful husband:

Jeff

Lately, I’ve Been Grappling…

2008-12-17T13:22:00.001-06:00

I had a very interesting conversation with a family member a couple of days ago. She says she’s a believer. She goes to church every Sunday and even teaches Sunday school. She says that she loves the Lord with all her heart, and she is convinced that she will go to heaven. But the reality of her situation is this: she doesn’t produce any fruit. The person you see at church is not the same person you see after church or any other time for that matter. She’s the type of person Jesus was talking about when He said this in Mark 4:16

Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it
with joy. But since they have no root, they last only a short time.

She says amen to everything the pastor says, even when he speaks against her specific lifestyle of sin, yet she never allows the seed to take root. Her lifestyle is parallel to that of a sinner. She makes no effort to be what Paul calls a child of light. Instead, her behaviors perpetuate the agenda of the Prince of Darkness. She defends her position with the infamous phrase, “God knows my heart,” and the Romans 7:11-24 passage about the struggle with sin, yet she thinks that passages like Ephesians 4 are talking about people who commit those types of sin who have never accepted the gospel.

The bible is very clear about people who conform to the sins of the flesh: they will not inherit the kingdom of God (Galatians 5:21; 1 Corinthians 6:9-10; 1 Corinthians 15:50; Ephesians 5:5). Paul doesn’t make a distinction in any of these passages about whether or not one has heard and believed the gospel or not.

I want to talk to her about this, but she is usually unreceptive because the doctrine of her church teaches that all you have to do is believe the gospel and you will be saved. Now, in their defense, her church does not condone a secular lifestyle, they just wouldn’t question her salvation. They would agree that she is saved and will inherit the kingdom of God, but she won’t have any jewels in her crown when she gets there—she just has fire insurance…

I do question her salvation. I don’t see how you can have a regenerated heart and subscribe to a life of practicing sin—with no conviction. Am I being judgmental or unreasonable when I say that? Should I just leave her alone in her own thoughts and way of life since I know she’ll reject me? All you regenerated hearts out there: please advise…

A Deceitful Heart

2008-12-15T15:06:00.001-06:00

The heart is deceitful above all things (Jeremiah 17:9).

Really? Really.
My heart is so easily lulled away by my own deceitful lusts, and no other time of year brings this ugly truth to the forefront of my life than Christmas.

What is this lust that takes root at Christmas time? The lust of glory and pride.

I love giving gifts—great, big, lavish gifts (not the kind you get for a white elephant gift exchange). I like giving the kind of gifts that make people drop their jaw and say, “Woooow! This is great!” And at first glance, this seems harmless, but when I go deep beneath the surface, I see the root of pride and the lust for glory.

I’ve discovered that the chief reason for wanting to buy these kinds of gifts is not to be a blessing so as to bring glory to God but to bring glory to myself. I’m not trying to simply be a generous, cheerful giver. Rather, I’m trying to boast in my riches and be the best gift-giver of the season. I want people to glorify me. I want them to praise me. I want them to think highly of me. Even though my heart seems totally right in wanting to give to others, the desire to give is shrouded in deceitful lust.

At this point, those of you who are really religious are turning your nose up at me and ready to throw your pocket full of stones. That’s okay. But those of you who understand the total depravity of this sin-sick flesh are praying that I come to repentance. And that’s great!

As I sit here this morning, at my desk, sipping my beloved peppermint tea, working out my salvation with fear and trembling, I pray this prayer:

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.”
Psalm 139:23-24

My Wonderful Husband

2008-12-11T13:38:00.000-06:00

Last night was a rather difficult one for me. I have been battling The Accuser for my faith on a specific, painful issue for a few years now. I’m not sure if I’m ready to divulge that issue publicly, but when I am you’ll be the first to know. Anyway, I struggled throughout the day with this issue on my frontal lobe. It impaired me as it robbed me of my smile and delight while I fought tooth and nail to hold on to God’s great grace. Every time The Accuser would bring up the inadequacy, I fought back with the words God carefully orchestrated to respond to Paul’s prayer of desperation, “[His] grace is sufficient for [me] for [His] power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

If I had to identify a proverbial Achilles heel in my life it would be pride and independence (I guess that’s two heels…lol). As you can imagine, that has caused much unnecessary strife in my marriage. But thanks be to God for a grace-giving, mercy-loving, careful-thinking husband, who knows me and loves me enough to minister to me through those rough times. He has loved me through many a marital battles.

Well, in true grace-giving character, he asked for a snapshot of the innermost thoughts of my heart—and boy did he get more than he bargained for. I let him into that dark place and laid out all of my fears about that issue. And he listened. And he listened. And he listened (You married ladies out there know that’s huge. That’s why I had to say it three times…lol). Then, he parted his lips—not with any band-aid, fix-it scriptures or quirky, coffee table book sayings—but to assure me of God’s grace and his own assurance that my “thorn in the flesh” made me no less adequate in his eyes and how he loved me all the more. He then gave me a snapshot of his faith on the issue and it blessed me tremendously. He then lulled me to sleep in his arms, brooding over me as a hen does her chicks, staying awake until I went to sleep, making sure that The Accuser could accuse me no more for that day.

In that instant, I understood more deeply than I ever have before, Christ’s love for the church.

I love my husband.

Why Regenerate Musings?

2008-12-10T13:52:00.000-06:00

I had a genuine encounter with Jesus almost 10 years ago. It was the summer before my junior year in high school--I had just broken up with my abusive boyfriend--and I was empty, hurting, and looking for a savior. I was "raised in the church" and had always known about Jesus, but I had never really known Him for myself. He met me at a Wednesday night bible study, and my life was changed from that day forward. I could no longer go on living life as if I had never met Him...not that I wanted to because I was desperate for Him (I later found out why but we'll discuss that in a later post). Anywho, acceptance of His grace regenerated my heart, and I have loved Him ever since...

Now, that love hasn't been a perfect love. In fact, it was full of legalism, self righteousness, pride, anxiety, and fear. It's taken almost 10 years to figure that out but better late than never, right?

Hence the reason for this blog.

If you follow this blog, you will journey with me through the musings of my regenerate heart as I "work out [my] salvation with fear and trembling" (Philippians 2:12 NIV) I am not perfect by any means, but I have a desire to live the faith out loud in every area of my life. As a writer, it is my nature to work things out through parchment and ink (or in this case: keyboard and monitor :) So, through this blog I will wrestle with my faith and seek God in the midst of a hedonistic culture that does not desire Him. I am declaring that I am unashamed of the gospel because it is the power of God for my salvation (Romans 1:16 NIV).

This blog will be home to my thoughts, struggles, victories, successes, and failures (and musings about the such--hence the title of my blog). It is my way of leaving a legacy of the Lord to anyone who reads (Deutoronomy 6:6-9 NIV). It is also a point of accountability for me as I stand before the world as an ambassador of Christ (2 Corinthians 5:20 NIV) and discipline flesh so that my testimony will not disqualify me (1 Corinthians 9:27 NKJV).

Until next time...peace